Teddy Bears Picnic

I figured it was time for my monthly post. It seems that is all that I've been able to do - post once a month. Pathetic that our Oscar pics are still on the front page. Oh well. Now that
Kellie has moved, I promised I would try to blog more.

Yesterday was the "Teddy Bears Picnic" at the school. This is when all the children who are going to start kindergarten in the fall go for their screening. Basically they test them at various stations to see where they are at and if they are having any problem areas. It was rather odd to take Jules and Samuel up those steps and through those doors; the same ones I did when I went to school. Definitely a full circle moment. When we arrived, we had to wait outside the office until they we sure everyone was present and accounted for. Then it was time for the bus orientation. Samuel and Jules had just been on the bus last Monday, so they were fine. This time the bus driver walked them around the outside of the bus, talking to them about safety ( crossing the street, etc...). Samuel kept talking and saying little comments. I tried shushing him but to no avail. But really they were just curious five year old comments. Like he was just trying to participate in the conversation. Other parents had to go on the bus with their kids because they were so shy and nervous. Not mine. They didn't hardly look back. Then as the driver closed the doors and was instructing them about how to behave while riding the bus, I could see Jules talking with her hands, like she does. The driver probably couldn't get a word in edgewise.

After they returned from their bus ride, it was time to go upstairs. The kids enjoyed following the little paw prints they had pasted on the floor. The children were left down in the classroom, while the parents were taken to another room. It's the computer lab room, although I still want to call it the art room, as that is what it was called when I went to school. We then had to listen to three speakers. The first was the nutrition lady. I had already heard her speak to us at preschool for an hour and a half, so I was extremely happy when she only spoke for 10 to 15 minutes. Then Trudy Brophy, or Underhill, as she goes by now, filled in for Mr. Muck. She introduced all the kindergarten teachers and talked about the various school policies and what we should expect when our kids start school. I found it very interesting. Their is a committee that I am going to try to join. I think it used to be called home and school but now its the P S something. I can't quite remember it. Anyway it sounded like something I definitely wanted to be a part of. And the last speaker was Barb Donovan, who spoke passionately about literacy, and the importance of working with your children at home.

I had been completely nauseous before going, but as I sat there I actually had moments of excitement. Surprising! I spend most of my time now worrying about how they are going to do, asking myself did I do all I could have done and really just mourning our old life and how everything is about to change. So I was pleasantly surprised to see a glimpse of excitement in me. It let me know that I might not completely lose my mind after all.

This week I made a big decision and decided that I wouldn't teach Sunday School next year and even more, I wouldn't be sending the kids there at all. It is not a decision that I take lightly. Honestly, sometimes I think it's a big mistake and should change my mind. It's not that I hate the church or anything, it's just not the right choice for me and my family. I've tried. If only for the reason that I like belonging to something. I liked being involved a la teaching. It was nice. I was actually surprised how much I enjoyed teaching. But every week I would struggle with the lesson I had to teach. I felt like a hypocrite. I would change the story in such a way so that it was more spiritual rather than religious or biblical. When kids told me they didn't go to church every Sunday, instead of trying to convince them that they should, I would reply "That's ok. God is everywhere." Which is what I believe, but probably not what the church would want me to say. So here I was teaching a "spiritual class" while my own kids were next door learning how many nails were nailed into Jesus. (Samuel told me.) I just can't in good conscience do it anymore. I don't see the point in exposing them to something that I know in my heart I do not believe.

The hard part is going to be telling the kids. This is when I feel the doubt or regret. They enjoyed Sunday School. Whenever we drive by the church they say "There's Sunday School!". I don't know how to approach the issue. What do I tell them? I know the reason they enjoy going is really just a social one. And now they will be going to school five days a week, so they'll have plenty of social interaction. I plan to expose them to all beliefs. Explain to them that there are lots of different religions out there, organized and inorganized. My dream is for them to belong to the human race. Pure and Simple. That we are all here together. I want them to feel free to explore what they believe, not what they should believe. And if someday when they are older and they want to join a certain religion like Buddhism, Jewish or even Catholic (eek!), I will respect that and never try to convince them otherwise. Jason is totally in agreement with me. He actually didn't want the kids to go to Sunday School at all, even this year. So he was quite pleased when I told him.

It's just hard. There is so much pressure out there to follow. Not just follow a church, but follow in every sense of the word. I still have that little girl's voice in me telling me to just be quiet, not draw attention to myself. But even though I have been a follower for a large part of my life, I'm not a follower anymore. And more importantly, I don't want my kids to see me as a follower. I want them to know that it's ok to go out on your own, be an individual.

So my mission now, and has been for a while, is to live an honest life. To not pretend to be something I'm not. I think that the void that teaching Sunday school filled, the feeling of being involved with children, can now be filled someway in the school. I'm going to join that committee and volunteer however I can. As corny as it sounds, I feel like a new chapter of my life and my family's life is about to begin.