What looks like crazy............

Today is Wednesday, August 31st, which means that my kids will be starting to school in exactly one week from today. Where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday, that school was such a far off thought, way off in the future. I always knew that I would be sad to see them go, but I guess I never really knew just how deeply it would affect me.

Every moment of every day, I find myself questioning, "Is this the last time?". Is this the last time that I will have a leisurely day, with my kids playing and laughing in the background, as I bake cookies or make supper? Is this the last time that we will all sleep in together, all five of us, in the one bed? On and on and on. I know the answer to most of my questions is "no". There will still be weekends and summers to come. But I just can't believe that things will ever be the same again.

I wonder, "Did I do all that I could?". Did I give them the best first five years of their life that I could. Did I give them enough attention? Did I take them for granted? Did I focus too much on cleaning the house, etc... and not play with them enough? It's so easy to go to a crazy place.

I know that all it will take is a few weeks and then I will be fine. I'll love having a routine and Abby and I will get some quality time together. Jules and Samuel will be loving going to school and we'll hardly be able to remember a time when they didn't go.

.................Well, maybe it will take a little more than a few weeks. But in time, I'll be ok.

But for now, I'm still in some kind of silly mourning phase. Something which I cannot control. And, by the way, if ONE more person tells me how things are going to change, how things are going to be different this year, "you'll see", or gives me that pathetic little patronizing smile when they find out the kids are starting kindergarten ..................I do believe I may explode!

I know I am not the first mother to send her kids off to school, but it is the first time for me. And everyone deals with it in a different way. Some Mothers are jumping up and down, impatiently waiting for the first day of school. Others are crying while holding their child who is also crying and whose child will continue to cry everyday that he/she has to get on the bus. Still others, I assume, are like myself. We know our children are ready, willing and able to start school, and we speak only enthusiastically about it with them. We never let them see just how sad we are, saving our tears for after the bus pulls away.

That will be me in one week.

The kids get their haircut tomorrow at 1pm. I'm thinking about taking them up to the school afterwards to see where their classroom is. The teachers are there now, preparing for next week. The kids will like it and I think it will help me. Although I'm sending them on the bus the first day, Jason and I are going to drive up to the school and escort them to their classroom, just to see them and assure ourselves that they are indeed going to be ok. So if I see their classroom tomorrow, with their little names written outside the door, it might help me to not get so emotional next week. Plus I'm very curious to see who else is going to be in their class. So far I only know three other kids. The rest are all in Mr. Fletts or the multi-age class. Most of which, I have to say, I'm quite glad to not have them in Jules and Samuel's class. Alot of little bullies who will remain nameless.

I've bought everything off the list, retrieved all clothing from Mom's house, picked out their storybooks to take with them, and have started getting up earlier in preparation. There is still things I need to do, but I know they will get done. Don't panic. Everything is going to be fine. That is my new mantra.



You know the silliest part of all this?..............A part of me, a surprisingly BIG part of me,............. is really excited for them. So why all the craziness?