Dead Man Walking

Well....I'm really starting to worry about myself.

I wish I could blog like some other people do, completely honest, nothing off limits. But I can't bring myself to do it. There is always that 20% of my life or my mind that I can never share. Sometimes not with anyone. Is everyone like this? Even those who appear to hold nothing back. Are they secretly keeping a little bit of their thoughts hidden away just for themselves? I wonder.

I imagine everyone has their own demons that they battle everyday. Things they dare not share with anyone else for fear of judgment or, at the very least, ridicule. The sad part is that most of us feel like we are the only ones going through it. If only we just talked openly about it, we would see that we're not alone.

I admit to being neurotic. It's not something I hide. I don't think I could, even if I wanted to. I'm also paranoid, obsessive, compulsive, a chronic worrier, ....the list goes on. Usually I chalk it up to just part of my character; part of who I am. Let's face it. In today's society, you're looked upon as weird if you don't suffer from any of these. But sometimes I worry that it could get out of hand. Go beyond the normal limits,.... whatever they are.

Mom always says she feels sorry for this generation of mothers. "They have too much pressure put on them". I agree. Just when you think it couldn't get any harder, it does. The guilt, which we all know is the bane of my existence, can be overwhelming at times. I think, no I know, that guilt is my demon. My dead man on my back. Somehow I have to set him down, toss him aside..... Lord knows I've tried. What's your dead man? I bet you know.

To Polka, Or Not To Polka?

I'm in the process of doing our bedroom over. So far, I've painted the walls a shade of burnt orange. A new Sears sale came in the mail yesterday. While flipping through, I found this duvet cover. I think it's fun and funky. Instead of going with a "formal" bedroom, why not go fun? Plus it has orange polka dots on it, which I think will pop against the orange wall. Any thoughts?

Knocking On Autumn's Door

Have I mentioned how much I love Wil? I just finished reading his latest post. He always makes me smile and occasionally bust out laughing. I just wanna give him a hug.

Last night Rockstar INXS ended. Big surprise ending. They chose JD. Imagine! (insert obvious sarcasm here). I knew Mig was going to be the first one booted. But I was really happy that both he and Marty did not get chosen. They'll be better off for it. Now Mig can go solo or the very least continue onto the Broadway stage. And Marty, he can reunite with Lovehammers, have creative control, and soar up the charts.

This is the first week where I only have to work on Friday. Monday and Tuesday I did some seasonal housecleaning. But yesterday afternoon, Abby came over and asked me if I was done cleaning.

"I don't want you to clean anymore!" she said with a pout.

So.....today we are taking a break and escaping to the park. This will be our first time going to the park all alone, just the two of us. She is very impatient.

"Is it time now?"

And tomorrow will be yet another first for us. It's grocery day. So the two of us will be going into town together. How weird is that going to be? I can't imagine just me and Abby walking through the grocery store or eating at McD's together. We really are going to have some quality time together this year.

I'm slowly starting to embrace Fall. Usually this is not an issue for me at all. I love every season, watching them change. And Fall always feels like the new year to me, probably because of school. But this year? This year I've been fighting it tooth and nail. I never wanted Summer to end. Ever. But now the kids are adjusting to kindergarten and I'm adjusting to having kids in kindergarten and suddenly being employed for the first time in six years. So now, finally, Fall is here. Literally. Tomorrow I believe. And I'm ready!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a sweater girl. I can't say why, but I just love a good sweater. And wool! I love my wool coat. Oh and scarves, gloves, hats, boots,etc..... Love em, love em! This year I actually want to buy a new (or gently used) winter coat. I need one that I can wear outside and play in the snow with the kids. Like a ski coat, I guess. But it should be nice enough to wear out and about, as well. I'll have to start the hunt for one soon. Perhaps tomorrow?

How Weird Are You?

You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people... But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

The Times...Yeah, They Are A-Changing

So much to tell...so little time.

First and foremost, the kids started school. They were great....and so was I! That morning, last Wednesday, the whole family walked Jules and Samuel, out to the mouth of the driveway. They were beyond excited! So sweet in their new shoes and holding their lunch cans. Their backpacks looked so big on their backs. The only time I started to mist up was when they were about to board the bus. It was like in the movies, where their whole five and a half years of life, played in fast forward in my head.

They got on the bus on it's way down the road(our street has a "dead-end"). You would not believe how many kids get on the bus on it's way down. I don't understand this generation. When I went to school, we would sit on the couch and watch for the bus to go down the road. Then we would walk out to the road and wait for it to come back up. That way you were not standing outside freezing to death for no reason.

Anyway, as soon as the kids were on the bus, we dropped Abby off at Sherry's house and headed for the school. We got there just in time to see, from a distance, Jules and Samuel getting off of the bus. We followed them into the school, and up to their classroom. Paulina was nice enough to show them around. They were very excited to finally be in their classroom. Samuel immediately dropped everything and started walking around and checking it out. While Jules immediately started emptying her backpack and getting all of her things organized with the help of the teacher. Totally shows their individual personality. Samuel, after finally sitting down, looked up at her and asked, "Are you Mrs. McCabe?". She smiled at him and said, "Yes I am". While Jules asked her, "Are these markers washable?". She laughed and said, "Yes".

We just stood back and watched them and we could tell that they were going to be just fine. So then we left and went back and picked up Abby, and then headed into town. It was quite strange just having her in the backseat. Everytime we stopped somewhere, Jason and I would both open our backdoors expecting to unbuckle Jules and Samuel. The first time we did that, Abby looked at us smilingly and said, "Just one kid!". I think she really enjoyed getting all of our attention. But every now and then she would mention their names. And that night at supper time, her "low" was "missing Jules and Samuel". But really, she was fine too.

I was just so happy that I was as ok as I was. Other than a little mist as they were getting on the bus, there was no tears. No real anxiety or irrational worries. Hurricane Katrina really slapped me across the face, so to speak. You know, here we have thousands upon thousands of people with nothing, everything gone, and I'm going to worry about my kids starting kindergarten? We're lucky they have a school to go to. I cried most of that week and still can, if I let myself watch the news. And did anyone else watch Oprah that tuesday? Unbelievable. Unspeakable. And worst of all....preventable.

Also on tuesday.....Mom called me to tell me that I had to go to work! On Friday! I was a little surprised that I was going to go to work so soon. I thought since I was only the second spare, that I wouldn't work for quite a while. But Cheryl was taking the first week off because her son was getting married, so I had go in for 8:30am on Friday. It was weird to say the least. Luckily, Jason was off that day, so I didn't need to leave Abby with a sitter. But to walk up those stairs, be in that cafeteria, and not be a student was rather strange. It will take some getting used to, I guess. And the kids loved seeing me there at lunchtime.

Then there was the weekend and Dad's 60th birthday party and Grammy's palliative care memorial service........ on September 11th, no less! Quite the bittersweet weekend. Then on Sunday night, Mom called to give me the news that Cheryl was no longer coming back to work, which meant that I was now the spare. And since Bernadette was going to be away Monday and Tuesday, they needed me to work. I had a bit of a freak-out. Little bit. I felt like I was deserting Abby, that I didn't do this when Jules and Samuel were home, but as soon as they went off to school, I was leaving her. Sherry had already agreed to keep Abby whenever I needed her to....without pay. We agreed on a babysitting exchange. Whenever she needs Paulina to get off the bus here, she can. Jason works shift work so he is off a lot during the week, which means there will be a lot of times I won't need her to watch Abby.

So in the run of a week, things here at the Keenan household, has changed dramatically. So how am I doing with all of this change? Well, that depends on what time of day you ask. Sometimes I am still sad that the kids are gone to school, sometimes I am freaking out that I suddenly have a job again, but mostly I am alright. Today is the first day I will be home alone with just Abby. I'm looking so forward to it. Already, I've got towels out on the line, freshly baked bran muffins on the counter cooling and Abby sitting on my lap. She says hello. Life is good.

Yesterday we took all three kids up to get their haircut. Everyone got the usual except for Samuel, who we opted for a slightly shorter cut. Bernice again warned me of the lice epidemic. Apparently it is already running rampant and school hasn't even started yet! Great. Wonderful news. So some lice shampoo has since been added to my not-yet-started grocery list.

After the haircut we headed up to the school to check out their classroom. As we drove up the hill, I was surprised to feel my stomach churn. I realized it must have been nerves/excitement. How odd it was to walk my kids up the very steps that I did when I was their age. The school is the same but different. Outside it hasn't changed a bit, but inside new things have been added. Like computers, for instance! We totally didn't have them when I was going to school. Wait. Check that. In grade six we had a commodore 64 that we could play Where In The World Is Carmen Santiago on. You had to ask to have your name put on a list and then wait your turn to play at noon hour. Of course we had computers when I was in high school(I'm not that old!) but they were the ones that used those great big floppy discs and there was no Windows. If you wanted to bold you had to hit F8 and something was shift F7? Funny. There is also an elevator in the school now and the downstairs open area has since been closed in and turned into the Access Center.

Anyway, the kids were really excited to see their names painted on the front window of the classroom. They didn't get to formally meet their teacher, as she was MIA. I've been really curious to see who else was going to be in their class, so.......since the teacher wasn't there.......I took a pen from my purse. The only thing I could find in my purse to write on was an old gum wrapper. So there I was hiding in the coat room scribbling down little kids' names so that I could go home and ask Mom or Christina who they were. When I got to one little boy's name, I gasped! He was supposed to be in Mr. Flett's class! Crap! There is a few more "people of interest", but all in all not bad. Don't panic. Everything is going to be ok.

As we drove away from the school, Samuel was turned completely around looking back at the playground. It was kinda cute. You could tell how excited and amazed he was. Then we took them all for ice-cream just as the sun was finally breaking through. I'm not sure but I think the Frito stand might already be closed for the season. So we went to Trio instead.

I can see now that I will be ok for sure. I mean, I know I will still cry on Wednesday, and worry about them until they get home. But I think a person only has so many breakdowns in them, and as sucky as it was at the time, I'm glad that I already had all mine. I guess I started early.......well, if you can call December early. Last night, I brought out all their school supplies into the livingroom so I could write their names on everything, and enjoyed it! I always did enjoy school supplies. Plus, I think I've finally gotten the clothes situation under control. Finally! I've seriously been doing this all week. But now Jules and Samuel's room has been thoroughly housecleaned and purged of any unwanted clothes or toys. And their new clothes is safely tucked away awaiting the big day.

Abby and Jules are both under the weather. Last night they both were running extremely warm, if not damn hot! They ended up sleeping with me and Jason took the couch. And so far, this morning, they have each thrown up once. They were in the school for ten minutes and look what happens! :) Samuel is feeling just fine. I don't know what it is, why they have it and he doesn't, but hey, two sick kids is more than enough. Kinda sucky, because I had wanted to try and do something special with them this weekend. Like go for a picnic or something else that costs zero dollars, as we are fresh out of money. They're supposed to sleep over with Paulina tomorrow night. Will have to see how they feel tomorrow. Wouldn't want to get Sherry's kids sick too. Or would I? (Just Kidding)