The Chair

Okay. So as anyone who knows me already knows, the past few years I've been on a mission to evolve when it comes to my self worth. How I think of myself, treat myself, ..... you get the idea. In some areas I have come really far. So far that I can now look back with bewilderment that I would ever have behaved in such a fashion. Other areas are still a work in progress. Still others probably haven't seen much, if any, change.

One issue that was/is always something I struggled with is the act of doing something, an activity, etc... just for myself. Just because it was something that I enjoyed. To some this sounds so simple, yet maybe there are others out there who can relate. I tend to use the word
"selfish" in my head to describe any such activity. If I wanted to go in to town or even just take a walk by myself, it would be "selfish" since that would leave Jason home alone with the kids. If I wanted to buy something for myself, be it a sweater on clearance, a couple of extra things at the Dollarstore or even a grocery item that would be just for me(it/ muslix cereal or sweet & salty bars, etc..) I would call myself "selfish" for wanting to spend money on "just" me...I mean who did I think I was anyway?

Cut to the box.

There was a cardboard box in the corner of my room that had literally been there since we moved in....over a year ago. It was filled with photographs and picture frames that I hadn't yet sorted through. The box was quite large and was on my side of the room so that every morning when I woke up, if I glanced down to the foot of my bed, I would see this box. Now I love my room. Love it! I love the red walls and it's deep purple ceiling, our dark wood furniture, and how the long goldish curtains hang on it's big window. I love the high bed and it's large walk-in closet. It is everything that I ever dreamed of having in a bedroom. But I didn't love the box. The box took away from the rest of the room. The box gave me an excuse to leave things like bags, clothes and yes even other boxes! laying all over it, so that my corner was usually if not always a mess.

Until two weeks ago.

Inspired by a new year, I did the unthinkable and purged my bedroom. I cleaned out my over stuffed night stand, organized my closet, cleared off the top of my dresser and....got rid of the box. In actuality I downsized the box so that it now tucks itself nicely in the corner of my closet, but still the effect is the same. The corner was clear! I had always dreamed of having a chair in that corner, so just to see how a chair would look, I stole my little brown tub chair from the living room and set it there. Awesome! Words cannot express the joy this little act brought me. It made the room seem so much more "adult". Like a "real person's" room. The way bedrooms look on television and in the movies.

I loved it so much that I never put it back. I sat on that chair more in the bedroom than I ever had in the living room. It became my little place to retreat to. To sip tea, drink wine, read a book, paint my nails, etc... You name it, I did it on this chair. However, now there was a "hole" in the living room where the chair had been. On cold mornings the girls would now gather together in their nightgowns on the floor next to the heater....they had no chair to sit in. Jason couldn't rest his feet on the windowsill and watch television, a position that he loved...and really missed. What was I to do? I had no choice.

I bought a new chair!

Yes I, the one who has on numerous occasions been referred to as a chair(for letting others "sit" on me), the one who never lets herself do anything "for herself", did the unimaginable - and bought a chair. Not a new chair for the living room, like originally thought, but a new, stylish chair for the bedroom. A chair just for me.

Did I feel guilty? Sure. Still do at times. But on Thursday, when the chair gets delivered, I will be squealing with pure excitement and trying my best to squash the word "selfish" out of my head's vocabulary.