Just Keep Swinging

This weekend we had hopes of going camping but opted to cancel due to the weather. Plus Abby was not feeling so great either. Instead, the family and I, watched movies together...pretty much the entire weekend. It started with Jason stopping at Blockbuster on his way home from work on Friday night. He rented "Enchanted" and "National Treasure 2 - Book of Secrets". We treated the kids with cheesies - 2 1/2 cups to be exact -and ourselves with salt & pepper chips and ringalo's, and cuddled up together on the couches.

Enchanted was actually quite entertaining, even for us adults. Abby had already seen it once at school and would constantly turn around to watch me watch the movie. Even Jason did not seem to mind it. After tucking the kids into bed, we put in National Treasure 2. Having enjoyed the first one, I knew it was the perfect movie for my mood. Nothing too scary, too dark, or too depressing but still entertaining. It's got a bit of an Indiana Jones vibe to it...without the snakes.

On Saturday the girls preceded to watch Enchanted again, and Jules watched National Treasure 2. (It's rated PG). The rest of the day was spent tidying up the house. I tackled upstairs while Jason took the basement. Trust me...I got the better part of the deal. Jason also tinkered with his old dodge outside and I slow cooked a roast pork for supper. We toyed with the idea of going for a drive into town but we decided we really wanted to just stay in. We hit the Irving for more movies. I picked up Ocean's Thirteen, which I had never seen. Samuel passes me this animated movie called "Everyone's Hero". I hadn't heard of it so I flipped it over to read the back. The name Christopher Reeve catches my eye and I'm sold.

It turns out that he was directing this film when he passed away. He cared very deeply about bringing this type of story to the public and created it's theme "just keep swinging". It is filled with an all-star cast providing the voices. Whoopi Goldberg, Robin Williams, Forest Whitaker, Rob Reiner - just to name a few. The film takes place during the Babe Ruth era in NYC. A little boy named Yankee Irving loves baseball, the Babe and his Dad. It's a really great film for children to watch, with a really great message. At the end, there is a very climatic, inspiring, scene where the boy finally connects bat to ball, while his Mom, Dad and the Babe look on. The music rises up louder, screen fades to black and the words "For Christopher and Dana Reeve" appear. I lost it. I bawled my head off. Jason turned to me and said "You don't even know them, Jenn".

There are some people that, although you never met them, you feel a connection with. I have always felt like that with Chris & Dana. I cannot begin to say the admiration I feel, the inspiration, when I think of how they lived their life. How when faced with the most unspeakable tragedies, they "just kept swinging". That is what I wish to instill in my own children. When life knocks you down, when you're diagnosed with a debilitating disease or suddenly find yourself paralysed...you can climb back out of the darkness, dust yourself off and discover an inner strength that you never knew you had. It is not fair that these two great human beings, were both taken away long before their time.

Drunk on Life

One week of Summer vacation has already passed! I wish I could slow down the clock. Summer just goes by way too fast for my liking. I cannot say how much I have enjoyed this first week being home with the kids. I am overflowing with gratitude and contentment. So much so, I'd say I'm on the verge of being annoying! To those annoyed folk, I apologize. I just can't help it. :)

I wake up in the morning, realize that it is Summer and neither me nor the kids have anywhere we have to be, and I smile. I love it! I love everything! I love this beautiful house that we get to live in. I love my beautiful yard, my huge lawn, my flower beds. I love that we have eagles that fly over head and humming birds that come religiously to our feeders. I LOVE my porch!! I still need to pinch myself that I actually have one of those considering I only dreamed of one since I was a kid. I love my kids. I love the fact that they are responsible, respectful, and well adjusted children...(most of the time). I love it when they play well together, doubled over in a fit of giggles. I love it all! .....Hell, I love you man!

Perhaps someone has slipped something into my water? ;)

The Chair

Okay. So as anyone who knows me already knows, the past few years I've been on a mission to evolve when it comes to my self worth. How I think of myself, treat myself, ..... you get the idea. In some areas I have come really far. So far that I can now look back with bewilderment that I would ever have behaved in such a fashion. Other areas are still a work in progress. Still others probably haven't seen much, if any, change.

One issue that was/is always something I struggled with is the act of doing something, an activity, etc... just for myself. Just because it was something that I enjoyed. To some this sounds so simple, yet maybe there are others out there who can relate. I tend to use the word
"selfish" in my head to describe any such activity. If I wanted to go in to town or even just take a walk by myself, it would be "selfish" since that would leave Jason home alone with the kids. If I wanted to buy something for myself, be it a sweater on clearance, a couple of extra things at the Dollarstore or even a grocery item that would be just for me(it/ muslix cereal or sweet & salty bars, etc..) I would call myself "selfish" for wanting to spend money on "just" me...I mean who did I think I was anyway?

Cut to the box.

There was a cardboard box in the corner of my room that had literally been there since we moved in....over a year ago. It was filled with photographs and picture frames that I hadn't yet sorted through. The box was quite large and was on my side of the room so that every morning when I woke up, if I glanced down to the foot of my bed, I would see this box. Now I love my room. Love it! I love the red walls and it's deep purple ceiling, our dark wood furniture, and how the long goldish curtains hang on it's big window. I love the high bed and it's large walk-in closet. It is everything that I ever dreamed of having in a bedroom. But I didn't love the box. The box took away from the rest of the room. The box gave me an excuse to leave things like bags, clothes and yes even other boxes! laying all over it, so that my corner was usually if not always a mess.

Until two weeks ago.

Inspired by a new year, I did the unthinkable and purged my bedroom. I cleaned out my over stuffed night stand, organized my closet, cleared off the top of my dresser and....got rid of the box. In actuality I downsized the box so that it now tucks itself nicely in the corner of my closet, but still the effect is the same. The corner was clear! I had always dreamed of having a chair in that corner, so just to see how a chair would look, I stole my little brown tub chair from the living room and set it there. Awesome! Words cannot express the joy this little act brought me. It made the room seem so much more "adult". Like a "real person's" room. The way bedrooms look on television and in the movies.

I loved it so much that I never put it back. I sat on that chair more in the bedroom than I ever had in the living room. It became my little place to retreat to. To sip tea, drink wine, read a book, paint my nails, etc... You name it, I did it on this chair. However, now there was a "hole" in the living room where the chair had been. On cold mornings the girls would now gather together in their nightgowns on the floor next to the heater....they had no chair to sit in. Jason couldn't rest his feet on the windowsill and watch television, a position that he loved...and really missed. What was I to do? I had no choice.

I bought a new chair!

Yes I, the one who has on numerous occasions been referred to as a chair(for letting others "sit" on me), the one who never lets herself do anything "for herself", did the unimaginable - and bought a chair. Not a new chair for the living room, like originally thought, but a new, stylish chair for the bedroom. A chair just for me.

Did I feel guilty? Sure. Still do at times. But on Thursday, when the chair gets delivered, I will be squealing with pure excitement and trying my best to squash the word "selfish" out of my head's vocabulary.

Independently Still

My walk was cut short this morning, courtesy of a neighborhood dog, or rather by my fear that said dog was not too happy to see me. He had just finished chasing away the hydro man, when he turned to see me approaching. He stared at me for a while and then started to walk slowly toward me, almost creeping, with no tail wagging. I did the "Hell-ooo" in my most friendliest voice, but got no reaction. Rather than take any chances, I decided to turn around. To my surprise it began to follow me. For a second I was so scared that it might actually attack me that I called Mom on my cell phone, to ensure someone would come rushing to my rescue. I always carry my cell with me just in case the school needs to get in contact with me regarding the girls, but I guess it can come in handy for possible dog attacks too. :) The dog almost immediately turned around but I didn't. Defeated, I chose just to walk to the end of the road and back, which really is no walk at all. It started to rain before I got home, so I guess the dog saved me from a very wet walk.

What really surprised me is how disappointed I was in missing my walk. I mean this morning was a really dreary morning. It was already misting out before I even left. I've been quite fortunate that every other day that I've gone walking, the sun has been shining. And let's face it, it is so much easier to be in the mood to go out for a walk when it is a beautiful sunny morning. Yesterday was really my first overcast morning walk. I thought about not going. I did. But then I realized as much as it would be easier to use the weather as an excuse not to go, I really wanted to go. And then this morning, it was misting out, totally looked like it could rain at any second. I'm not going, I said. Not in the rain. No way. But then I found myself suiting up with hat and splash coat and away I went.....insert above dog story here.

What has happened to me?

Thanksgiving morning was a beautiful sunny morning. Blue skies. Colored leaves. Chilly air. A beautiful Fall morning for sure. So beautiful that it inspired me to go for one of my walks. I usually only go during the week. Jason was cooking breakfast while the kids were playing. I kissed everyone goodbye and off I went. What a great walk that was! I don't know if it was because it was Thanksgiving Sunday, or how beautiful a morning it was or maybe it was the songs that played on my iPod or a combination of all three. It was just very uplifting.

As I was walking home, with golden leaves softly falling and twirling around me I was reminded of another Thanksgiving some 12 years ago. Although I had had my driving license since I was 16, my parents had just put insurance on their sky blue 4x4 Jimmy for me for the first time. Jason and I were still living separately at our parents' houses. I asked to take the Jimmy for a drive up to Jason's house and since my parents weren't going anywhere and I was now an insured driver, they actually said "yes". It was my first time driving alone. I pulled out the driveway feeling so independent. I drove along the Barnettville road with the sun shining down on me. How cool was this? Look at me! Finally! Ahead the road was sprinkled with multi-colored leaves. I sped over them and glanced back to see them dancing in the air behind me. I remember thinking, "I did that. I made those leaves dance. Me. All by myself". Sure it doesn't sound like much now, but at the time it meant a lot. To me it was a symbol of my independence. My adult life was about to begin.

Looking back, I guess it did. My parents had paid for insurance because I, along with my sister, was working at the mall in town. It saved them from having to taxi us back and forth. Soon I would buy my very own car. A clunker that would give me quite an education in motor vehicles. Then later, of course, Jason would get on at Weyerhaueser and we would make the final move out of our parents' houses and into a basement duplex in town. And the rest, as they say, is history.

But getting back to my Thanksgiving walk, with the memories, along with the leaves, swirling around my head. I felt somewhat the same as I had that fateful Thanksgiving drive. Only this time, instead of the excitement that filled me as I raced through the leaves to make them dance, I was filled with a peaceful calm as I walked along while the leaves softly fell around me. I wish I could put it into words better. It was like back then I couldn't wait to go out and make things happen, you know? Remember when you were twenty years old and what that felt like? But now I've grown. I've changed. Now I cherish those times when I don't have to do anything. When I can just breathe, you know? Like I said, it's hard to put into words.

I walked up my walkway and up the porch steps and opened my front door. The house was now filled with the smell of bacon. Jason and the kids had already finished eating and he had just tucked a plate for me into the microwave. I took my still-warm breakfast outside and ate it on the porch while sitting in one of my favorite yellow chairs. Jason was now washing his old white car on the lawn, while the kids ran around laughing. Our burnt orange maple tree glowed against the clear blue sky.

I smiled.

Sometimes the best moments in life happen when you are doing nothing at all.

Walk On

I have embraced the fact that all my kids are in school. In fact I'm past embracing and am now down right enjoying it. Every morning, after sending the kids off on the bus, I take a moment to drink my coffee and then I go out for a walk. These walks have really helped me. I'm not walking as part of some exercise regimen to lose weight, but simply because it makes me feel good. I plug my iPod in, listen to whatever song happens to come on and I'm off. I come back feeling pumped and ready for the rest of the day.

It is so strange because at first I was walking just because I had made a promise to myself that I would. I made myself go. I would pray for rainy windy days that would make it easier to say no, let myself off the hook and stay home. But it's become a habit now. I find myself looking forward to it, enjoying it. On the days that I don't go for some reason, like when I have to go to town or the kids are home sick, I really miss my walk. It's just a little bit of time spent alone with myself. Yes, I am home alone all day, but here in the house, there is always something that needs to be done, something you feel like you should be doing. But out on the road, for that brief period of time, it's just me and the music.

I think I'm hooked.

And she's ok

Last night I took a bath - a nice, hot bubble bath. I literally cannot remember the last time I did this. I should do it more often. What is it about water that feels so healing? The instant my legs immersed into the water, I felt better. Like A LOT better. It was as if I had dipped myself in some kind of magical potion.

Abracadabra! (poof)

And then I was myself again.

Summer Sequel

As I've mentioned before, we are planning on putting Jason's old car in the Canada Day Parade. Yesterday morning, I had a genius idea. Since we're going to be driving through the community very slowly while everyone looks on....what better opportunity to thank said community for their support? Kinda make it into a Team Keenan float, if you will.

I bought some white Bristol board to make signs. Haven't quite decided how to word it yet, but it will be something along the lines of "Team Keenan thanks you for supporting us in the Walk for the Cure". We're all going to wear our JDRF t-shirts and we've already purchased a flag kit for the car. I also bought some sticky-back magnet strips for attaching the signs to the car, so as not to hurt the paint. Very important you know. :)

I told the kids and Jules got very excited. All of this has been very beneficial to her, I think. The story in the paper, the support at the yard sale, participating in the Walk.....it has shown her that people out there really do care. I've never been one to enjoy the limelight...or the spot light...or anything that would draw attention to myself. LOL. But all of that goes out the window when it comes to this. I would never want my little hang ups get in the way. I guess that's just one of the many blessings that has come out of all this....helping me to let go of some of my issues.

Good news! Samuel has decided to join us after all. Of course, only after we promised him candy. LOL. It's all about the food for him, you know. We're still planning on going camping Friday and Saturday night. So far the weather is looking alright. I hope it holds out.

Yesterday Jason and I had the rare opportunity of being in town without the kids. So we grabbed some Dixie Lee Chicken(hadn't eaten there in ages!) and headed over to the Richie Wharf and ate it outside by the water. Lovely! Sitting there under the pagoda(as God is my witness I WILL have one someday!) with the breeze blowing, I was reminded of the island. Oh, how I want to go back there someday! It felt so like Summer. I commented to Jason that it felt like July. You know how July has a feeling? And then, of course, I was reminded of last July.

The last time we were at the Richie Wharf was two days before Jules' diagnosis. Jason's brother was home visiting from Ontario. We had just received our official floor plan of our new house. Life was grand. My stomach turned a little. It's like my reflex is to start mourning all over again. And then I have to remind myself that she's ok. Abby's ok. We're ok. All of this happens in my mind, in the time span of 3 seconds. Then more enjoying the sun, and the breeze and quality time with my husband. Then I spot a tour boat sailing into view. I'm reminded again of that fateful day when Jason's parents and brother and his family took a tour of the river while we waited for them to return. Stomach turns......mourning......we're ok.

I think this will happen a lot to me, and with greater frequency, until the anniversary comes and goes. Last Summer seemed like it was stolen from us. It's like Christmas. You look so forward to it, counting down the days til it's arrival and then it finally comes......and it sucks! You're shocked. You want a do-over. You can't believe you have to wait a whole year til it comes again. This Summer is like our "do-over". We've gone through the ups of downs, trials and tribulations of a whole year with Diabetes, and now we've been rewarded with Summer's arrival. And we're fine. No, better than fine. We're strong.

And life is grand.

Gratitude

One night last week I was rummaging around in my night stand and discovered my old gratitude journal. I had not written in it(or any journal for that matter) in a very long time. Too long. I began to read. You know how they say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone? Well I now know that I always knew......I always knew how blessed I was. And that was good to know.

Previously I would write five things that I was grateful for that day. I'm sure some people would think that I might find it hard to be grateful, considering the year we've had. But I say I have even more blessings than ever before. So now, every night, instead of just writing five things, I write ten. It's become my favorite part of bed time. To put pen to paper and reflect on all my good fortune. What better way to end the day?


To educate yourself for the feeling of gratitude means to take nothing for granted, but to always seek out and value the kind that will stand behind the action. Nothing that is done for you is a matter of course. Everything originates in a will for the good, which is directed at you. Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude. ~ Albert Schweitzer

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful. ~ Buddha

Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines. ~ Leroy Satchel Paige

Little Wonders

Rob Thomas says it best...

Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know, the hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours still remain

Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours still remain

All of my regret will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours still remain

Walking On Sunshine

Saturday morning we packed up the family and headed for Moncton. This was the weekend of the walk. We arrived around noon and checked into our motel room. We stayed in the same place as we did when we were down buying the van. It's perfect for us because it has a full kitchen, that way we can bring some of our own food to supplement cost. It also has two double beds and a fold out couch, which we needed since my mother was staying with us. The biggest selling feature of course is the heated indoor pool. The kids couldn't wait to go swimming. All of this for $95 plus tax! Hard to beat that!

We had a quick lunch with the rest of our group(their room wasn't ready) and then we took the kids shopping. Abby was very excited because we were also celebrating her birthday. The stores were mostly crowded, almost annoyingly so. It was hard to keep track of the kids. They were always running off with Mom, Kel or Sher. In the dollar store, I searched for something that all of us could wear to unite our team at the walk. I really would have like to have ball caps, but since it was the dollar store, this was hard to find. We opted instead for pink visors. Pink, of course, because we were representing such girly girls. lol. Maybe we should have done crowns?

After shopping, we ran into DQ and bought Abby her ice cream cake that we promised her. Then it was time for her "party". Everyone gathered in our motel room where we ate take-out, ice cream cake and watched Abby open her presents. She really enjoyed herself. I'm glad that she got to have a special birthday. Samuel is now asking if he can have his next birthday party in Moncton. Ummmm, no! lol. Then it was time to go into the pool. Jason had bought the kids these long plastic water shooters.....not a good idea. I might "accidentally" leave those home next time. It was great to be in the water again. First swim of the season! Later in the evening, we did our usual trek to Value Village. We always seem to go there whenever we are in the city. It might sound sad, but this is how I get clothes. This trip I snatched three pairs of jeans, one pair of shorts and a tee. Not too shabby.

The next morning the sky was blue and the sun was shining. We all ate breakfast together in the motel's little diner. Not feeling like eating the usual fare, I choose the Belgian waffle with strawberries and cream. Heaven! I couldn't finish all of it, it was so big. Then it was time to pack up, check out and don our visors!

JDRF's Walk for the Cure was located in Riverfront Park in downtown Moncton. In other words it's in behind Main Street, along the Petticodiac River. In regards to the walk, I must start by saying that it was one of the most organized events I've ever been to. Awesome! Since we were early, we snagged a picnic table and managed to keep it throughout the entire time. I led my team over to where we submit our pledges. When they saw how much we raised, they gave us a round of applause. Very nice. They also gave me a walk t-shirt, a nice bag and an ipod shuffle! Very nice indeed! My teammates also got a t-shirt, but no ipod. :( An ipod was the incentive prize for any walker who personally earned more than $1000, and since our yardsale profits were on my pledgesheet.....I got the ipod. Oh well, there's always next year girls. lol.

Scattered around the park were activities for kids. There was a jumping castle, some sort of blow-up tunnel castle, an arts and crafts table and the most amazing face painting.

There was also a very efficient BBQ area(no lines!), a snack stand, and coolers everywhere filled with ice cold water, juice and pop. Everything was free! Maybe the best part was the band Cat Sass - freaking awesome! I mean every single song was good. Their music really helped pump everyone up. A hockey player(#26) from the Moncton Wildcats and it's furry mascot were also there getting their pics taken with kids and signing t-shirts.

He signed my shirt, which would probably be more cool if I knew who he was. lol. Abby was not at all impressed with the mascot. She's not that into large fuzzy strangers trying to hug her. Go figure.

At 1:45pm, the band announced that it was picture time and could all the kids with diabetes please come up to the front of the stage to get their picture taken together. My girls were pretty well in the center, with fellow diabetic kids on either side. Just as the kids were finally all situated and smiling for pics, the band starts playing You and Me by Lifehouse. "What day is it.....". They were not 3 notes in and I was crying. I will never be able to hear it again without crying and seeing this image in my head.

Just after this pic was shot, two babies were seated on the right hand side. They were no more than 7-8 months old. It made me cry even harder to know that they too had this disease.

A few sleeve wipes later (I forgot kleenex) and after a very interesting trip with the kids to the port-a-potty, it was time to start the actual walk. We all lined up at the Start sign. Much to my Mom's chagrin, a bagpipe player started to play. And then we were off! The walk did not seem to take too long, 35-45 mins I would say. To Samuel, it was an eternity. lol. Jason carried Abby a lot of the time. Halfway through they had a stand set up with water bottles, where we took a rest so we could check the girls sugars. Then it was time for the home stretch.

This whole experience has helped me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I would recommend it to anyone who has gone through the same situation. I can not begin to describe my emotions as my family neared the finish line. Jason, the kids and I all held hands and stepped across. It was like that finish line represented so much more than just a 5k walk. It was that together, as a family, we had been to hell and back and yet we were not beaten. In fact we were stronger than ever. A moment I will never forget.

My Moose....Part Two

Last Tuesday, May 22nd, Abby and I had to run into town to pay some bills. It was a clear sunny day. On the way home, I was driving down the highway when something caught my eye. It was a moose. It was not on the highway, but rather down in the ditch. I slowed the car down and then finally came to a complete stop. Surprisingly there were no other cars on the highway at this time. I grabbed my cellphone to take a pic and rolled my window down. It stared right at me and took a couple of steps toward me. What a beautiful creature. I don't quite know what it is about them. Their size, maybe? Do they remind me of horses? I'm not sure why I love them so much but I just do. So there we are, just me, Abby asleep in the back of the van, and the moose...alone on the highway together. It felt very spiritual. I started talking to it when I noticed that some cars were coming. So I told it to be careful and not to get hit by a car....accelerated and drove away.


Cut to this morning. I was looking in my archives to see if I had blogged anything this time last year. I clicked on May, 2006. I only blogged twice that month. May 21st's title was Our Song, where I talk about mine and Jason's song. The title for May 25th? My Moose.

"...when suddenly a moose walks into my line of vision! It's just standing there on my front lawn. I stare at it for what seems like minutes, in shock of it's presence and in awe of it's majestic beauty........I don't know what it was. Maybe the mood I was in, or just being that close to a wild creature? But I felt like the moose came for me. Crazy I know. But it was like in a movie. Something magical about it. A connection."

Weird eh? I mean I know, living where we live, the chances of seeing a moose this time of year is rather high. But the odds that I would personally have a close encounter alone with a moose on almost the exact same day? Not so high, I think.

I'm starting to think that maybe the moose is my animal totem...or one of them.

An Animal Totem is an important symbolic object used by a person to get in touch with specific qualities found within an animal which the person needs, connects with, or feels a deep affinity toward. You can have several animal guides through out your life. Sometimes an animal guide will come into your life for a short period of time, and then be replaced by another depending on the journey or direction you are headed toward. Your guide will instruct and protect you as you learn how to navigate through your spiritual and physical life.

I've always thought that the spider was my totem. They were everywhere...and I mean everywhere. Everyday. Hanging from the ceiling, crawling on my shoulder, I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without spiders following me. Which was quite upsetting at times, considering I'm arachnophobic. A psychic once said that this was because I was a witch, lol, that's another story.

To the Native Americans, Spider is Grandmother, the link to the past and future. In India it's associated with Maya, the weaver of illusions. With its gentle strength, Spider spins together the threads of life with intricate webs. Spider knows that the past affects the future and vise verse. It calls us to make use of our creativity and weave our dreams into our destiny. For many Native Americans, "spider woman" stories are important creation mythologies. One of the common feature of those are wisdom symbolized with spiders' webs (for example, she taught the human how to weave). Also generally accepted are the ideas that her "thread" connects the human world and the world of spirits or the "above world" and the "below world". Spider Woman also weaves the "relationship" of the Web of Life and all beings.

But lately the spiders seem to have subsided. Maybe I need a moose totem in the spring?

Though moose appear awkward, they possess a gracefulness with which they move easily through deep snow and unstable terrain. Their excellent depth perception, and sense of hearing enable them to know when to camouflage themselves. This is an incredible feat since the adult male can stand 7 feet tall and weigh 1,200 pounds. These animals can be unpredictable by either running away when they see you, ignoring you, or mauling you. Moose calves are born with their eyes open, and those with this totem are usually born with their inner eyes open. Moose uncovers the depth of who you are and aligns you with your inherent wisdom. Moose teaches us to value ourselves and reward ourselves for a job well done.

Hmmmm. Something to think about I guess. For those of you who don't believe, please disregard. For those who do, you can check out http://www.animaltotem.com/find-your-totem.html.

No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends

The above line is from one of my favorite movies, It's A Wonderful Life. Right now I am feeling a lot like George Bailey.....again. Late last Summer, in the midst of our chaos, the community blew me away with their support. And now they have done it again.

The Anglican Church Hall in Blackville is now filled to the brim with donations, not only from family members and friends, but from complete strangers as well. It is unbelievable! Our story was published in two local papers that came out this morning. Upon reading them, an older lady from our community, whom I've never met, called to offer us her winter coat. Another gentlemen called from Newcastle to offer donations. Several older ladies surprised me with baked goods to sell in the sell. One even said she made me something special that was just for us to eat at lunch tomorrow...not to sell. She had dropped off a few items for the sale and gave me a huge hug before leaving and promising to return tomorrow. I can't stop to think about it or I will start to cry.

I had a moment as I was locking up the hall to come home tonight. I was proud of myself. No, proud doesn't seem like the right word to use. It's hard to describe. It's like seeing my children's picture in the paper along with the story describing everything we went through. It's like I can feel several emotions at the same time. I'm sad, yet happy, yet nauseous, yet proud, yet inspired, yet.... Like I said, very hard to describe. lol I intend to take the camera tomorrow so I can post pics of just how much stuff is actually there. Some people snuck their way in tonight, while we were still setting up. Mostly family members. lol. But now I've already raised over $70 and the sale hasn't even started yet! Amazing!

Now I have to try and wind down enough to get some sleep. The whole family has to get up early tomorrow. Busy, busy, busy.....but oddly, it feels good.

Pissed!

For the second time since last Summer, someone has insinuated that the reason our family is having "such a hard go" is because we do not attend church. ERGH!! I want to scream!! This pisses me off so much I could just spit. I mean seriously?

I defy anyone to question my spirituality. I have never been more spiritual in all of my life. And that includes when I used to go to church AND teach Sunday school! It just blows my mind,....these small minded people. Just because you don't do the traditional route of going to church, sending your kids to sunday school, etc... people - or should I say those people think that this means you don't believe in God or a higher power. And just what kind of God do they believe in anyway? A God that would punish me by giving two of my children Diabetes? Gee, that must be comforting.

Anyway, I don't mean to babble or go on and on about it. Like Cleanspirit says, it will just perpetuate the bad energy. But I just had to vent for a minute.

There. I'm done. lol.

At Last

Today Jason and I decided to do some things that we've been talking about doing for quite awhile. Jason took a huge pile of recycling to the bin in Blackville and we bagged all of our bottles and placed them in the back of the van. So the next time we go to town there will be no excuses.

When we got married, my Aunt gave us a "Keenan" sign that she had painted herself. It's one of those "established 1998" ones - the year we were married. I used to have it hanging in the kitchen, behind the door, when we lived in the trailer. I would dream of the day I could hang it on my house outside........and today was the day! I cannot say how excited I was!

Also, two years ago, I bought an Anne of Green Gables wind chime at Avonlea Village in PEI. It is one of my favorite places in the world. I never hung it. Never really took it out of the box. I was saving it. I told myself that I would not hang it until I could hang it off the eave of my porch. There were times when I thought I would never get the chance. But today I did it. I could have cried. I seriously cannot say how special this was for me. I hung outside my bedroom window so I could go and look out at it and remember. Remember how blessed I am to have this house. Remind myself of how I feel when I am on the island. But most importantly, to remind myself that dreams do come true, if you believe long enough.

It's funny how something so small, like the act of hanging a wind chime, can lift your spirit. Feed your soul. Simply bring you happiness.

And I Would Have Stayed Up With You All Night...

Yesterday I was so excited to go to the car auction in Moncton. Mom knocked off work early and came to babysit the kids. We left here shortly after 2pm. The auction didn't start until 6pm, so we had plenty of time to drive to Moncton, register for bidding and give each of the the vans there a thorough once-over before the bidding actually began. I had been concerned about the weather, considering the whole thing takes place outside. I didn't want to freeze to death. But yesterday turned out to be really quite warm, so aside from all the giant puddles, that wasn't a problem.

The problem was that all the vans up for sale were basically a pile of junk. They either had a gazillion miles on them, were leaking fluid of some sort, smoked when you revved them or their transmission was going. And they were fairly new vehicles . I mean 00's, 02's and even an 04'. It was quite disappointing. Ugh! My patience is wearing thin. Our problem was always that we could not afford a van. And now that we actually have the money to buy one, we can't find any. Very frustrating.


Changing the subject,........Monday night it was my turn to check the girls at 3am. In case I have failed to mention it here, we are still checking their blood sugar at least once a night, if not twice. Anyway, I had my alarm set for 3am, but because I was too tired/lazy, I didn't get up to check them until 4am. Abby was 13, so I knew she would be more than fine for the rest of the night. Jules, however, was 5.9. This is where it gets tricky. She could maintain a 5 until she gets up in the morning, like she has in the past. Or she could go low, in which case she would need some juice to bring her up. I decided to let her be and went back to sleep. Then I had a dream........

Jason and I were hosting some kind of party. At first it seemed like our wedding reception but then it switched to being a house warming. Anyway, pretty much everyone we have ever encountered in our lives was at this party. It was an ordinary dream.....and then it turned. It got dark and nightmarish. All of a sudden there were some not-so-nice people there. I knew they had done horrible things to others and now their sights were on me. Switch to I'm over at Mom's house. The kids are supposed to be getting off the bus soon....but no bus...no kids. Then I can hear Samuel screaming for me. He's crying hysterically, but I can't see him anywhere....can just hear him screaming, calling for me. Then some sort of vehicle passes slowly by and they have Jules with them. I lock eyes with her, as she passes the house. My hands are pressed against the window. She looks so scared and is also crying hysterically. There is someone in the house now. I know they have my kids..............And then I wake up.

I awoke with a jerk, my heart in my throat. It felt so real - that panic. But then I started telling myself that it was just a dream, to relax and go back to sleep. My eyelids were very heavy. I was so tired, it would take only half a minute for me to be sound asleep again. But then I remembered Jules. My thoughts argued back and forth. I should go check her. No, you're sooo tired, go to sleep. No, she could be low. Just make yourself get up. And then I remembered the last time I had a nightmare concerning my children.

We were living over at Grammy's house. I had awoke in the night feeling that same panic that I had just felt. The need to check on them was overwhelming. So I went and looked in on them. They were sound asleep. I thought since I was already up I might as well check the girls sugars. Jules was fine but Abby's sugar was quite low. I remember thinking "What if I hadn't woke up?".

This memory made me get up. I looked at the clock. It was 6am. I got the meter and lancet ready, walked into Jules' room, sat on her bed and checked her blood sugar. Something in me knew what it was going to say. The meter beeped. I looked down and sure enough it read 3.7. Jules was low and would need to drink some juice to bring her level up. As I walked out of her room, to go and pour her some juice, I looked upward and said out loud, "Thank you God!". I know that it was him who woke me up. I think I was having a perfectly normal dream and then God switched it to scare me and wake me up. In my dream I could hear Samuel crying but it was Jules' face that I saw, nobody else. I don't think it is a coincidence that the last two times I had a nightmare concerning the well being of my children, I woke up feeling the need to check them and thus discovered that they are low. It's things like these that let me know there is some one out there looking out for us.