Cause You Never Know....

The Year

Update time.....

In regards to our upcoming sale, the ACW told me I could go up on Saturday, shortly before they closed and help myself to anything that was left over from their Rummage Sale. So Sherry and I filled my van with clothes - to the top! A lot of which is in excellent shape. Some still had tags left on them. Anything that had a stain on it or did not seem to be in good shape, we left behind. We had to rush around because I had to get back home in time to get interviewed.

Harold Adams had contacted me and was interested in doing a little story for the Route 8 news - the newsletter that comes with the sales flyers. I got home just in time to freshen up a bit and then he was here. The story is not that personal, strictly about the sale and the walk. Afterwards the whole family went outside and he took a few photos. He wished us luck and said he hoped the article would help our cause. I hope so too.

During the interview and then later, after he left, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions. In fact, I've really been all over the place emotionally for the last couple of weeks. I think it is the whole walk thing. And the fact that the first anniversary is fast approaching. I was sad that this event was necessary, but as we sat there on the porch smiling for his camera, I felt genuinely happy. And proud. This little idea I had, had actually grown into something that was being supported by so many people. In that moment, I felt like I was making a difference.

This past year, so much in my life has changed. We moved into our new home which pretty much has all new furnishings, we bought a newer van, my son got pre-diagnosed with asthma, my in-laws house burnt down and my husband lost his job of 11 years. The biggest change, of course, is my daughters' diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes, just three weeks apart.

With every loss experienced in life, I think getting through "the year" is crucial. The first Christmas, first birthday, first day of school, etc... As each special day passes, you prove to yourself that life does go on. That "You can do this". And while part of you does want to fast forward the year, to get all this "newness" over with. There is that other part of you, the one you try to bury or ignore, that secretly wants to hit pause or better still - rewind. And that is the part of myself that I've been battling these past few weeks.

On my front lawn, there are two maple trees, one larger than the other. This section of my yard (of my life) is one of the few things that has remained the same. Lately, I've found myself staring out the window at my large maple tree. This is the one that provides the most shade in the summertime. Memories flash through my mind of life BD - before diabetes. *flash* Jules and Samuel are 3 yrs old, Abby barely one. I've spread a quilt on the ground, in the shade and we're having a picnic.....of pizza. *flash* Jason and I are sitting in our newly purchased folding chairs. We're looking at brochures and planning our first family vacation to PEI *flash* I'm sitting in the shade watching the kids play. Mom walks over and surprises the kids with "red eye" cookies. She joins me and we sit together and watch the kids lick the jam out of the center first. When I see these images, I cry and long to go back. I'd give up the new house and the new van, anything to be that family again. The family that doesn't have diabetes in their lives. Right now I can still say "This time last year....". This time last year, they didn't have it. How can it be real when this time last year things were so different. It reminds me of that book which has recently been turned into a play - "The Year of Magical Thinking", where she cannot accept her husbands death. Somewhere deep inside of me, I must think that I can stop this from being true. As long as the past is not that far behind, we can still go back.

Obviously I know this isn't true. No intervention needed, I promise. On most days I can even see the good that has come out of this. I just need to go through the year.

The plane boss! The plane!

A few nights ago I had a dream that I witnessed a plane crash, right from my own house.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

So yesterday afternoon, my girls were outside playing, my son was watching TMNT, and I was cooking supper and talking on the phone to Jason, who was on his way to work. All of a sudden I started hearing this noise, soft at first, then louder and louder. I looked to the television thinking, "What-the-hell are those Ninja Turtles doing?". Just then the noise got so loud I thought we were about to have an earthquake. I literally braced myself for the shaking. And that's when I saw it.

A plane.

I ran to the front window.

"Please don't crash, please don't crash.", I chanted, as I watched it disappear beneath the trees. I waited for it. The crashing noise, the explosion......

I raced out onto the porch.

And then another plane appeared.

And another.

My husband asked me yet again what was going on. He had asked several times but I hadn't answered him.

"I don't know", was my reply. I had no idea.

All I knew was that there were three planes circling our house. They were flying extremely low. And I mean extremely low. None had gone so low as that first one, though. I literally thought for a moment that maybe it had indeed crashed and these other planes were circling the crash site. Their huge shadows passed across our yard.

My daughters came running toward me. They were scared the planes were going to crash into our house. My son came outside. When he saw the planes, he pointed up and shouted, "It's Heroes of the Pacific!" - the name of a PS2 game about Pearl Harbor. lol.

Across the street my Mom, sister and her kids were also outside watching what now seemed like our very own air show. I grabbed the video camera and started taping so Jason could watch later. Just then a provincial forestry truck drove up the road with it's light flashing.

Forest fire.

I raced back into the house and put on some shoes. I shut off the burners on the stove, supper was just going to have to wait. I let Jason go, as he arrived at work. I know he hated missing all the action. When I went back outside I noticed that Abby didn't look so good, so I brought her back in the house to check her. Sure enough, she was low. I gave her a juice box and we ran over to my Mom's house.

My Mom and sister had also seen that first plane. And like me, they thought for sure it was going to crash into the river or into the camp in the Rapids. It was seriously that low. Our kids were no longer scared, and were waving at the planes who were still flying overhead.

Apparently there had been a forest fire of some kind down the road. I don't know how big it was because we never saw any smoke. But it was obviously out now, as the fire trucks went back up the road and the planes flew away.

And our suburban excitement was over.

Maybe tonight I'll dream that I won a million dollars :)

And I Would Have Stayed Up With You All Night...

Yesterday I was so excited to go to the car auction in Moncton. Mom knocked off work early and came to babysit the kids. We left here shortly after 2pm. The auction didn't start until 6pm, so we had plenty of time to drive to Moncton, register for bidding and give each of the the vans there a thorough once-over before the bidding actually began. I had been concerned about the weather, considering the whole thing takes place outside. I didn't want to freeze to death. But yesterday turned out to be really quite warm, so aside from all the giant puddles, that wasn't a problem.

The problem was that all the vans up for sale were basically a pile of junk. They either had a gazillion miles on them, were leaking fluid of some sort, smoked when you revved them or their transmission was going. And they were fairly new vehicles . I mean 00's, 02's and even an 04'. It was quite disappointing. Ugh! My patience is wearing thin. Our problem was always that we could not afford a van. And now that we actually have the money to buy one, we can't find any. Very frustrating.


Changing the subject,........Monday night it was my turn to check the girls at 3am. In case I have failed to mention it here, we are still checking their blood sugar at least once a night, if not twice. Anyway, I had my alarm set for 3am, but because I was too tired/lazy, I didn't get up to check them until 4am. Abby was 13, so I knew she would be more than fine for the rest of the night. Jules, however, was 5.9. This is where it gets tricky. She could maintain a 5 until she gets up in the morning, like she has in the past. Or she could go low, in which case she would need some juice to bring her up. I decided to let her be and went back to sleep. Then I had a dream........

Jason and I were hosting some kind of party. At first it seemed like our wedding reception but then it switched to being a house warming. Anyway, pretty much everyone we have ever encountered in our lives was at this party. It was an ordinary dream.....and then it turned. It got dark and nightmarish. All of a sudden there were some not-so-nice people there. I knew they had done horrible things to others and now their sights were on me. Switch to I'm over at Mom's house. The kids are supposed to be getting off the bus soon....but no bus...no kids. Then I can hear Samuel screaming for me. He's crying hysterically, but I can't see him anywhere....can just hear him screaming, calling for me. Then some sort of vehicle passes slowly by and they have Jules with them. I lock eyes with her, as she passes the house. My hands are pressed against the window. She looks so scared and is also crying hysterically. There is someone in the house now. I know they have my kids..............And then I wake up.

I awoke with a jerk, my heart in my throat. It felt so real - that panic. But then I started telling myself that it was just a dream, to relax and go back to sleep. My eyelids were very heavy. I was so tired, it would take only half a minute for me to be sound asleep again. But then I remembered Jules. My thoughts argued back and forth. I should go check her. No, you're sooo tired, go to sleep. No, she could be low. Just make yourself get up. And then I remembered the last time I had a nightmare concerning my children.

We were living over at Grammy's house. I had awoke in the night feeling that same panic that I had just felt. The need to check on them was overwhelming. So I went and looked in on them. They were sound asleep. I thought since I was already up I might as well check the girls sugars. Jules was fine but Abby's sugar was quite low. I remember thinking "What if I hadn't woke up?".

This memory made me get up. I looked at the clock. It was 6am. I got the meter and lancet ready, walked into Jules' room, sat on her bed and checked her blood sugar. Something in me knew what it was going to say. The meter beeped. I looked down and sure enough it read 3.7. Jules was low and would need to drink some juice to bring her level up. As I walked out of her room, to go and pour her some juice, I looked upward and said out loud, "Thank you God!". I know that it was him who woke me up. I think I was having a perfectly normal dream and then God switched it to scare me and wake me up. In my dream I could hear Samuel crying but it was Jules' face that I saw, nobody else. I don't think it is a coincidence that the last two times I had a nightmare concerning the well being of my children, I woke up feeling the need to check them and thus discovered that they are low. It's things like these that let me know there is some one out there looking out for us.