The Year

Update time.....

In regards to our upcoming sale, the ACW told me I could go up on Saturday, shortly before they closed and help myself to anything that was left over from their Rummage Sale. So Sherry and I filled my van with clothes - to the top! A lot of which is in excellent shape. Some still had tags left on them. Anything that had a stain on it or did not seem to be in good shape, we left behind. We had to rush around because I had to get back home in time to get interviewed.

Harold Adams had contacted me and was interested in doing a little story for the Route 8 news - the newsletter that comes with the sales flyers. I got home just in time to freshen up a bit and then he was here. The story is not that personal, strictly about the sale and the walk. Afterwards the whole family went outside and he took a few photos. He wished us luck and said he hoped the article would help our cause. I hope so too.

During the interview and then later, after he left, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions. In fact, I've really been all over the place emotionally for the last couple of weeks. I think it is the whole walk thing. And the fact that the first anniversary is fast approaching. I was sad that this event was necessary, but as we sat there on the porch smiling for his camera, I felt genuinely happy. And proud. This little idea I had, had actually grown into something that was being supported by so many people. In that moment, I felt like I was making a difference.

This past year, so much in my life has changed. We moved into our new home which pretty much has all new furnishings, we bought a newer van, my son got pre-diagnosed with asthma, my in-laws house burnt down and my husband lost his job of 11 years. The biggest change, of course, is my daughters' diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes, just three weeks apart.

With every loss experienced in life, I think getting through "the year" is crucial. The first Christmas, first birthday, first day of school, etc... As each special day passes, you prove to yourself that life does go on. That "You can do this". And while part of you does want to fast forward the year, to get all this "newness" over with. There is that other part of you, the one you try to bury or ignore, that secretly wants to hit pause or better still - rewind. And that is the part of myself that I've been battling these past few weeks.

On my front lawn, there are two maple trees, one larger than the other. This section of my yard (of my life) is one of the few things that has remained the same. Lately, I've found myself staring out the window at my large maple tree. This is the one that provides the most shade in the summertime. Memories flash through my mind of life BD - before diabetes. *flash* Jules and Samuel are 3 yrs old, Abby barely one. I've spread a quilt on the ground, in the shade and we're having a picnic.....of pizza. *flash* Jason and I are sitting in our newly purchased folding chairs. We're looking at brochures and planning our first family vacation to PEI *flash* I'm sitting in the shade watching the kids play. Mom walks over and surprises the kids with "red eye" cookies. She joins me and we sit together and watch the kids lick the jam out of the center first. When I see these images, I cry and long to go back. I'd give up the new house and the new van, anything to be that family again. The family that doesn't have diabetes in their lives. Right now I can still say "This time last year....". This time last year, they didn't have it. How can it be real when this time last year things were so different. It reminds me of that book which has recently been turned into a play - "The Year of Magical Thinking", where she cannot accept her husbands death. Somewhere deep inside of me, I must think that I can stop this from being true. As long as the past is not that far behind, we can still go back.

Obviously I know this isn't true. No intervention needed, I promise. On most days I can even see the good that has come out of this. I just need to go through the year.