The Last Time

My Grandmother is not getting any better, and apparently she never will. I talked to Mom this morning and she said that they will probably be putting Grammie into palliative care today or tomorrow. I guess my vibes are off this time. I still don't have "the feeling". Tonight is Mom's turn to stay the night at the hospital, so I've decided to go down tonight too and do "the visit". Mom said that Grammie won't know that I'm there, but I told her that I was going for me. And, in a way, I think I'm going for Mom too. It's so odd, knowing that this is the last time I will see Grammie alive. I guess it's a blessing to have this chance. With Grandad, I saw him at home, the day before he was taken to the hospital. I still knew that this was the last time I would see him. And so did he. You could see it in his eyes. I can still see him holding Abby's hand; his large old one clinging to her tiny, smooth one.

I had just taken the kids to visit Grammie probably a week before she was taken to the hospital. I just always thought she would be coming back home. If anything, seeing her tonight, will zap me into reality. Make me see that this is really actually happening. That it's real and not just the family over-reacting. Mom said I will not recognize her. Her weight loss has been so dramatic since entering the hospital.

I have to say that it's different this time. I mean because it's Grammie and not Grandad. When I look back over my entire childhood, I have no real memories of Grammie. I cannot remember her ever hugging me, or sitting on her lap or her telling me she loves me or saying anything to me sweetly. On the other hand, I have no bad memories of her either. Not once do I remember her being mean to me or saying anything in a harsh tone. I think it is their generation. It's the role she had to play. She would take the time to make her famous molasses cookies, but it's Grandad who I remember giving me the cookie. She was the one in the background, behind the scenes, making sure the house was clean, supper was made, cookies were baked. It's a role that many mothers take.

Sometimes I can even find myself falling into that category. Just yesterday I took the extra time to make a special supper for my kids - porcupine meatballs and rice with Strawberry shortcake for dessert. During the hectic time of rolling out the biscuit dough, the kids kept running around the kitchen. I found myself half-yelling at them to get out (My kitchen is very small and the oven was very hot) So here I was trying to show my kids how much I loved them by making their favorite strawberry shortcake, but I was yelling at them while making it? Life can get a little twisted sometimes. I tell my kids a hundred times a day that I love them. But sometimes I worry that it's not enough.

As a stay-at-home Mom, you can easily get caught up in the housecleaning responsibilities. "I can't play with you right now, Mom has to fold the towels." or "Maybe later, I have to do the dishes right now." But then Daddy comes home. Fun Daddy, who will twirl you around and throw you to the sky before he even takes his boots off.

I have to say that for the most part, I think I escape that trap. I'm not one to put housework first. Never have. Ask anyone. It's not that my house is completely trashed, just "lived in". I've always hated to go to those houses where you're scared to sit on the couch. I think we all know someone like that. Yes, their houses will be immaculately clean, everything will be in it's place, but at what cost? I'm not saying that every clean freak is unhappy in some way, but I know of a lot that are. They spend their time cleaning instead of communicating with their family. Again, not all, but some. In all my strives to not worry about what other people think, I can still slip a little when someone unexpectedly drops in for a visit. Especially Jason's Mom. For some reason I still hate it when she comes by and the house is dirty........and it always is. It never fails, that the day I have the floors all mopped and the livingroom dusted, she never visits. But the day that I chose to take my kids to the park or spent hours planning Abby's birthday party or simply "took the day off", that's the day I know I'm in for company.

So with Grammie Coughlan, I've never doubted her love for me or my children. No matter how big the family has gotten, and believe me it's BIG!!, I've never felt like she had a "favorite". I understand how she chose to show her love. With Grandad it was just a bit more obvious. He was much more vocal about it while Grammie said it with a delicious molasses cookie with butter spread on it.

I'm going to miss her.