Leaving Home

(continued...)

"So they're expecting us?", I ask. Yes. Where is your husband? At work, I say. How soon do you think you can get there? But then the doctor answers for me. He goes to call back Moncton and say that we will indeed be coming but not to expect us until later in the evening. I think to myself that we will be there quicker than he thinks. Jules is crying. She asks me what is going to happen to her. Everything is fine, I tell her. Abby starts to cry too. She just wants to go home and eat. I tell them I will be right back. I call Jason. He is stunned. He curses. He will get away from work as soon as he can. I call Mom. She still thinks it's a mistake. No, I tell her. You weren't here. You didn't see their faces. It's true. Can you drive home? Have to. No choice. No choice in any of this. Doctor comes back one last time. He gives me a sealed envelope. On the front is the Moncton doctor's name, the words "Pediatric Ward" and "recently diagnosed DM". Tells me how sorry he is. Rubs my shoulder. As he does, I try not to cry. Can't let Jules see me cry. We leave. Jules knows she has to go the big city, to another hospital. Knows we're going to be there for days. Must focus on road. Stop for gas? No, I must have enough. Just drive..... Don't think..... Too late. I look back and see that they're both asleep. I let myself cry. I get too loud and make myself stop. This can't be happening.... not to us.... not to her. Jason calls me on cell. He asks how I am. I don't answer. He's leaving work. Will be right there. I drive into Mom's driveway. They wake up. Mom is outside. Jules hops out of the van and tells Grammy. I know, she says, but that's ok. You'll be fine. Samuel is inside. He doesn't know yet. He's playing video games on the television. Barely pays attention. Jules and Abby are hungry. What can we feed her? We don't know. She has some yogurt. She wants a piece of peanut butter cake. Mom looks at me. Give it to her, I say. It'll be her last piece. I leave alone to go pack. I barely get into driveway before it comes. The loud heaving sobs of sorrow. I walk into the house. It looks just the same as it did when we left. But everything has changed. In a way it feels like she died. You look around at everything the way it used to be. Her toys laying around. But you wonder if she'll ever be back to play with them. Must pack. Must stop crying. Have to be strong. For some reason, I can't find anything. Can't decide what to take. Jason comes home. He sped the whole way. I'm in on her floor when he walks by. I can't find her backpack. He finds it for me. It's just a bump in the road, he says. We can do this. She's going to be ok. He quickly showers. I could use one but don't. We hurry and pack and then go back over to Mom's. Mom has already told Samuel, but he continues to play videos. He doesn't get it. Jules is actually ok. I smile and tell her we're going on a special adventure. I brought her Harmony Bear to sleep with. Mom gives us her car because it has air conditioning and the radiator on our van is still bad. I hug Abby and Samuel. I tell them I love you and that I will call them. They ask us to bring them back a toy. And that's it...we're off. As we drive by our house, I cry silent tears. When will we be back? And how will things be then? I vision balloons and a welcome home Jules sign. And then I'm numb. Jason is speeding the whole way. I keep telling him to slow down. She's ok. She asks us if it will be fun there. I don't know. We stop at a store in Rogersville to get gas. I'm hungry. Haven't even had a glass of water yet. It's after 4pm. I buy Jules a bottle of water. Am reminded of all the times she asked for a drink and I refused her. Thought it was just a game for attention. It wasn't. The aisles are all filled with candy. Sugar everywhere. We keep driving. Jules looks out the window hoping to see the train. I tell her it doesn't run on Saturdays. Finally we're in Moncton. We drive to the Moncton Hospital and park. We're here. This can't be real.

(to be continued...)