Optimism

I had thought, during the last few days, that I would never blog again. Delete it. Who cares? What does it matter anyway? I thought I had said all that there was say, on the subject of Diabetes. What more could I say now? Especially now! I really didn't know what I could ever say again. This thing... this disease, had already changed our lives so much. And now? How would we ever cope? How could I go on? Why? I can't do this!!

That was Saturday....... and frankly most of Sunday.

Today is Monday.

Today I am ironically full of optimism, or at least I am at this exact moment. I know I wasn't when I woke up this morning, and I can't say how I will feel tonight when I go to bed, or even an hour from now. But now...right now....... I am ok.

I daresn't say it out loud, but I feel almost......happy. I know! I don't understand it myself. Part of me feels like now everything will be ok. That it wasn't ok before, but now it will be. Now we can go on. That they can do it together.

Ever since Jules was first diagnosed, I've had an uneasy feeling. I suspected, of course, that this feeling was normal. But really, it was much more than that. It was strong. I felt like it wasn't over. That there was more to come. And now, of course, we know that there was.

But now, .....this time, I feel different. I feel like there's nothing hanging over us now. No other shoe to drop. I mean, once you get over the whole shock of it all, the anger phase, the "pity party" phase, the "just wanting to die" phase..... then you get to the real part of it. I know I'm probably not making any sense to the rest of you. But to me, I am.

My family is the best family in the whole world. I believe this, now more than ever. They are a gift from God. I choose to believe that this is all a gift...all of it. Again, in a couple of hours, when it is time for Abby to get her insulin again, I might change my tune. But right now(which is all we can live for) this is how I feel. Unbelievably blessed. Grateful even.

Crazy, but true.