Don't cry shopgirl, don't cry......

You've Got Mail is on the television. I LOVE that movie. I just love everything about it. There are so many lines in it. I love Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. I love her bookstore, her apartment and, of course,.........it's in New York. :)

Anyway, to recap the week........

Sunday morning, my Grammie Coughlan passed away. I had gone and visited her in palliative care Friday night. She was desperately thin and since she was on morphine, she really couldn't talk. My kids had drew some pictures for her, which I had taken with me to show her. She was really quite out of it, drifting in and out of consciousness - mostly out. Mom told her that Christina and I were there. She lifted her head up and said something which we could not understand. Then I took the pictures out of my purse and showed them to her, telling her what it was and who had drawn it. She looked at them and smiled. To see her smile at these pictures that my children had drawn is a moment that I will never forget.

I'm always amazed at myself in these situations. I always think that I won't be able to handle it. That I will want to run away in tears. But instead I find I have a tremendous urge to stay, to never leave. I remember when my Grandad Underhill died. At his wake I didn't want to leave him there, there in the basement of the church. I had the same feeling at my Grandad Coughlan's and I had it again with Grammie. If Jason didn't have to work on Saturday, I would have stayed at the hospital with Mom all night.

Sunday morning was a waiting game. The family had been called in at around 6am. Shortly after ten, the phone rang. She was gone. I sat in the chair and cried, still shocked that it had actually happened. Then there was telling the kids, which I'm always a little weary of. I don't want them to be scared about death. I told them that heaven is full of your favorite things, which excited them.....a little too much. It's like they couldn't wait to get to heaven. Which I guess is better than being afraid.

The rest of the day on Sunday and Monday morning, I found it hard not to worry profusely about Mom. Her Dad had just passed away in November and now her Mother was gone too. Now their house will sit empty. The end of an era. Mom assured me that there was nothing I could do. So Monday morning we decided to go camping for the night. The wake was not going to happen til Tuesday afternoon, so I wouldn't be missing anything. I just found I needed to do something, anything to occupy myself. We had planned on going camping before Grammie had passed so we decided that we would go anyway. I asked Mom several times if she thought it was ok and she said again that there was nothing anyone could do, and if she could leave, she would.

I found it hard to have a good time camping, but the kids really enjoyed themselves. We practically had the whole campground to ourselves. Very quiet and peaceful. It was quite hot that day, so after we set up and had dinner, we went swimming in the pool, our first dip of the year. I have to say that going swimming with the kids was rather fun. It was one of the few moments that I didn't spend wondering what Mom was doing. Later we took them to the playground where I had a quiet moment with life. I don't know how else to describe it. Do you remember what it was like to be a kid? You would be outside all the time, laying on the grass and looking up at the sky. I don't know why but for some reason I was compelled to do this. I can't remember the last time I did. I sprawled out on the grass, arms up over my head, and stared at the sky. Then I closed my eyes and just lay there. Being still. Doing nothing. It was like therapy.

Tuesday morning I couldn't get home fast enough. I felt scared or worried that I should be home. Grammie was waked from 2pm-4pm and from7pm-9pm. Jason took the kids up to his mother's for an hour or so in the afternoon, so he could come. His Mom had to go to work for 4pm. I stayed the entire time. We gathered at Mom's in between. In a bizarre moment the power went out. Perhaps if it had been anyone other then Grammie I would have gotten a little spooked. All in all, it went ok.....as well as any wake can go. The funeral was on Wednesday at 11am. It was so strange....like dejavu. We had just done this and here we were doing it all over again. Something oddly sweet or romantic yet unspeakably sad to see them laying her to rest right next to him. The tombstone is there now. It was my first time seeing it. There is a picture of a team of horses on his side and a bird on hers.

Kellie had to go back to Sackville so Jason and I and all the kids drove her home late that afternoon. We had decided it was best to just stay the night. I felt guilty leaving Mom but what do you do? We actually managed to have a good time despite the circumstances. Jason's father was passing through on his way to Halifax with the transport truck. So Thursday morning Jason left with his Dad and Kellie and I took the kids around Sackville. We walked to the park, around the university, saw the swans, toured the art gallery, ate at Mel's and got ice-cream and fudge from The Fudge Factory. Then after Jason got dropped off, it was time to go home.

Yesterday I was completely lost. I didn't know what day it was. My house was a mess and I really didn't seem to care. Still working on that. It's like the whole week was one long day. I guess it's always that way.