Good night, Johnboy

Since our hopes of being into our new house for Thanksgiving have been dashed(our house isn't even arriving now until the 5th), it's been decided that we will host an old fashioned family Thanksgiving here. Everyone seems really excited to have it here in the old homestead. Mom and Dad, Lee, Sherry and her family, and even Kellie will be joining us. Mom has suggested that we invite Jason's parents as well, so we will definitely have a house full for dinner. I hope my turkey is big enough. I'm glad we will have at least one vegetarian in attendance. :)

I'm obviously in charge of the turkey(scary, I know) and potatoes, Sherry's bringing vegetables and rolls, and Mom is making dressing and dessert. I'd also like to see about adding a salad to the menu this year. Perhaps I can talk the vegetarian into taking this one on? lol.

Rather than just eat and run, the plan is to make a day(and night) out of it. This has caused me to move our dinner from Sunday to Saturday, because Jason works on Thanksgiving Monday. Everyone is going to arrive sometime in the early afternoon and hang out and hopefully help me in the kitchen while the kids play upstairs or outside. Then after we're all stuffed with supper, we're supposed to sit down with a drink and play a game of Texas Hold'em and anything else that we can think of at the time. Sherry and her family are even going to spend the night here. Mom and Dad have declined such an invitation and are opting to go home. Haven't talked to Lee about this yet, but I did put out the invite to Kellie and I think she said yes. Kellie? We certainly have the room here. The sofa in the livingroom folds out into a bed and there are two spare twin beds downstairs and one spare double bed upstairs.

So, as I said before, it's going to be an "old fashioned" family Thanksgiving. The Waltons come to mind. Jason said at night we'll be saying...."Goodnight Gary, Goodnight Anna, Goodnight Paulina" etc... Maybe we can even do a breakfast of some sort the next morning. I nominate going for Take-out. Costly but less mess.

It's been disappointing having the house be delayed week after week. But next week, our house will come on Thursday and then on Saturday we'll be hosting Thanksgiving. And because everyone is spending the night, having a drink, playing games, etc.... it's kinda like we're having a little celebration. It has been quite the year for us, to say the least, but we still have so much to be thankful for. It's nice that we are all going to be together to acknowledge that this year. I think Grammy and Grandad would really enjoy seeing us all together like this, in their home. Preston is over the moon. I hope that it surprises us all and everyone actually ends up having a really good time, because as everyone knows, with family, there are no guarantees. :)

I Wanna Say "I Give Up!"

The house is not coming until NEXT Thursday.

As in October 5th.

As in a whole month later than expected.

I want to kick and scream and cry and hit something or someone. I do. I really do.

I want to bitch and moan and say I shouldn't be surprised. That even though everyone else I know of who got a pre-fab house, got it a week early, WE would have to get ours a month late.

I want to scream out to the universe "Why does everything have to be SO hard for us? Haven't we had enough already?"


............... But I can't.


Damnit!

In a twisted way it almost sucks that I know how blessed we are. But I do know it. It would almost be easier if I could just sit and mope and dwell and be one of those people that "know" that their life is so much harder than anyone else's. I think that some people actually find comfort in doing that. It makes them feel good to feel bad.

This summer there were times when I was scared I was going to be one of those people. That misery would bring me joy because it was the only thing you could count on, that made sense. But feeling bad didn't make me feel good. It just made me feel bad. And I got tired of it. I didn't want to feel bad anymore. So I forced myself to open my eyes and see just how great we still have it. And once I did that, there was no going back.

Sure, I still get upset over things that don't really matter. Hey - I'm still human. But I can't stay upset for too long. Not really. Kinda sucks, actually.

It's just that once you've been through the fire, it's hard to get upset over a spark.

So, as much as I want to throw up my hands and curse....... because we have to wait yet another week before we set our eyes upon our new home..... Because our move home is pushed back another week....... Because we miss home so much it hurts and can't feel like we're on the right path until we're there again.

..... I can't.

Because I know that we're blessed. Blessed to still have each other - our family. And blessed to be getting a new home at all, ..... even if it is a little late.

Progress Report

Man do I have a headache right now.....slept in today, mad dash to get the kids off to school. Gotta love these mornings.

Jules and Samuel are buying their lunch today for the first time this year. Talked to Mom and straightened out all the carb issues. Should be fine.

Contractor called and they are coming to pour the basement floor. Finally. The weather hasn't been co-operating much lately. Then the house will be allowed to come. They don't work weekends, so next week will finally be the week when we finally get to see our new home. Did I say finally?

Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time this school year. Here's hoping I can remember how much a big cookie cost. :)

Jason's back with coffee from the Irving...and advil. Gotta run.

Who let the dogs out?

Two weeks ago while I was driving the kids to school, two dogs were playing on the side of the road. At one point they came out onto the road and I had to brake sharply causing my tires to squeal lightly. The dogs saw me, looked scared and ran away from the road.

Ok. So I was driving the kids to school today, like I do every morning. I came around a turn to see a black dog lying there on the side of the road. As soon as he saw me he got up and started to slowly walk into the road. I thought he was going to chase me like a lot of dogs do. Jason always preaches to me that when a dog is chasing you, don't swerve, just keep on going and you will not hit them. But this dog didn't go to chase me, he just kept walking slowly toward the center of the road. I braked slightly at first but ended up having to slam on the brakes. My tires squealed and I could smell burnt rubber. Even then, it seemed like I had almost hit him with the corner of the van(If the bumper didn't actually touch him, it was a miracle). I pulled over and looked at him and he seemed to be fine.

He looked at me as if to say"Hey! You almost hit me! Watch where you're going!".

And I was like, "Hey! Do you have a death wish or something?". I swear the dog was trying to commit suicide.

The kids were like "Cool Mom. You just burnt rubber!".

I started to drive again when I noticed the brake line was lit up and there was an exclamation point. (!) Seriously? When there is an exclamation point lit up on the dash of your car, that can't be good. Then I put my foot on the brake and it went straight to the floor. Nope, definitely not good. I managed to get the kids to school, but then was scared to leave because of the big freaking hill that it's on. I didn't dare try driving down that with Abby in the back seat, when I wasn't sure how much or if any brakes that I had.

Forgetting it was down day, I tried calling Jason at work, but of course he wasn't there. On down day he isn't in his usual spot, they can put him anywhere in the mill. So I called Mom and of course, Dad was already gone to work. So I had no choice but to call Jason's father, who of course, had just recently thrown his back out. He drove up to the school to check things out. Turns out I busted a brake line. Of course I did. He drove my van home while Abby and I followed in his car. When we were almost home, yet another dog ran out and started to chase me. Following Jason's advice, I held my breath and zoomed past him.

What is with the freaking dogs in the rapids? I swear they are going to give me a heart attack. I mean who wants to hit a dog? Not me. Especially not when the kids are in the van with me. It could totally be a dog that belongs to one of their friends at school. That would be a nice racket.

Anyway, so now here I sit, without a working vehicle, hoping that today isn't the day I get a call from the school asking me to come and pick up my child. Of course that's not going to happen.....right?

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip

I stayed up much too late last night just so that I could watch this show. Awesome! I really think it will do well. Aaron Sorkin is always good at writing and the cast is amazing. Definitely will be adding this to my regular viewing list. Welcome back Matthew Perry! I can't wait until I'm home with a satellite again. Maybe then I won't have to stay up so late to catch it. Surely it must be offered at an earlier time by a Canadian station.

I also watched the new comedy The Class. Not quite sure about the future of this one. Seemed funny enough, but with these networks, you just never know. I really enjoyed Out of Practice with Stockard Channing and The Fonz, and they cancelled it. So I guess we'll see. I do enjoy The New Adventures of Old Christine. Not sure if it's the actual show or just that I love Julia Louis-Dreyfus so much. I unfortunately missed the premiere of The Amazing Race the other night. Oh well, still lots of time to catch up.

I'm hoping that I didn't miss the new Gilmore Girls. Anyone? I think this might be it's last year. The others I'm anxiously awaiting are Grey's Anatomy, LOST and ER. I didn't usually watch ER, as it usually depresses me, but I caught the season finale and now have been sucked in. The OC? I'm actually growing apathetic to it. I really don't care that they killed off Marissa, as she was annoying the hell of me anyway. The only reason I watched is for Seth and Summer. I don't think it starts until October.

Oh well, we're off for a drive to check on the progress of the basement. They came yesterday and backfilled it. You can really see now what it is going to look like. Very cool and weird at the same time. Now all they have to do is the floor. Unfortunately it's rainy today, so chances are we won't see anyone around today. It looks like the house will not be coming until next week. I had a dream last night that they brought the wrong house. Horrible. Man, this waiting thing sucks.

Mission Possible

This is an alert to let you know that your Member of Parliament is back in Ottawa today for the Fall session. Please take the time to take part in the Mission Possible Writing Campaign 2006, and have your voice heard in this new government!
Our mission is to secure a commitment from the federal government for $25 million per year for the next five years in research dollars targeted specifically for juvenile (Type 1) diabetes research.
We are asking you, our JDRF Supporter, to send the letters below to your M.P. requesting them to send a letter to the Prime Minister, the Health Minister and the Finance Minister in support of our request.

ENGLISH - Click here to download a template letter to your M.P. and the letter to the Prime Minister, and Ministers of Health and Finance.

FRENCH - Click here to download a template letter to your M.P. and the letter to the Prime Minister, and Ministers of Health and Finance.

To find your M.P. go to the Parliamentary website at http://www.parl.gc.ca/ and type in your postal code.

There is no postage required to send a letter to your M.P.
Please let JDRF Head Office know if you have taken part in this campaign - now is the time to stand up and be heard! We encourage you to spread the word about this campaign by directing your family and friends to our website at www.jdrf.ca.

Together we can expand the awareness of Type 1 diabetes and ultimately find a cure!

And so it begins...

Samuel is sick today. No school for him. It never ceases to amaze me how quick they start getting sick after school starts. Sherry's little Anna was sick last week. Coincidently she just started daycare. If you really sat down and thought about all those kids and their germs, you'd end up like Howard Hughes. Q-U-A-R.....

Last week Preston got the kids to go over to his house to get some pics taken. I never showed them before so here they are.

Sunday morning, rain is falling..

Well actually it's not raining. I just like that song. :)

I sent off my first email to a fellow family with diabetes. I hate to admit it, but it does help knowing there are other people out there going through the same thing. There's even some who have two children diagnosed. I subscribed to their email listing and now I'm just constantly receiving posts from other parents. They're discussing everything from pumps to pets with diabetes. It's very informative and I know I'll really be interested when we get a pump.

I really cannot wait til we are back home again. Living here, in Grammy's old house, has been great. Therapeutic even. But it's not home. I find I've really been letting things go here. Like our healthy eating habits. I don't know if it's just living here or if it's caused by this summer's events. Lord knows I've been known to eat while I'm stressed. Jason and I both fell off the wagon big time and drank a lot of Pepsi. I even started craving it again. So we've had to kick the habit again and start anew.

I really want to start fresh and I think moving into our new house is just the springboard we need to do that. So much has changed in our lives. We can't go back to the way it was. So I've decided we have no choice but to embrace it and move on. To somehow turn it around and make it a good thing. Somehow. This spring we will be going to Moncton to participate in the Walk For A Cure. It would be great if I wasn't huffing and puffing the whole time. So as soon as I get home, I'm really going to try to get on Mom's treadmill again. My goal is to get one of our own. I had been thinking of joining the local gym here, but right now we so cannot afford it. We are supposed to gather up a group or team of runners/walkers for the walk. Usually it's family members and close friends, so anyone who wants to join us is more than welcome. I think it doesn't happen until May or June, so you have plenty of time to think about it.

Get Ready For A Wicked Long Post

So many things to talk about. So many pictures to show. Ok. On your mark.....get set.....go!

The basement is now done, except for the floor.

They are supposed to have that done by Tuesday. They really want the floor done before they order the house to come. Right now it looks like it will come the end of this week or the first of next.

When Stacy was getting her house built, she told me that she had painted inspirational words on the wood. Even though they were going to be covered in gyprock and never seen again, it was like she was blessing her house. I had thought this was a great idea and was rather disappointed when we decided to go pre-fab, that I couldn't do that. I wouldn't have access to the house until it was all finished. I also loved the idea of having a cornerstone in the cement, like those big historical buildings. But that wasn't very realistic. So instead, I improvised.

The first day, the contractors laid what they call the footing course. It's like the outline of where the walls are going to go. After supper and after the workers had all gone home, we were down in the hole looking at the progress thus far. I noticed a little piece of wood sticking out of the cement in the front corner. So I pulled it out and then used it to write the word "Love" in the corner. Not exactly a cornerstone, but better than nothing. Jason thought the workers would think I was crazy, but I was happy. Even though it would be covered in cement the very next day, I knew that I would always know where it was, and that it was there. It's kinda hard to see it in this pic, but there it is.

The next day they came and put up the walls. Again that evening, after it had set for awhile, I went armed with a stick and wrote some more words. I wrote the words "Grace" and "Hope" and I got Jason to write "Jenn + Jason", like when we were in high school.

These words are still there. Our house will come and sit right on top of them. It's not as great as blessing the actual house, but at least I got to bless the foundation that our house will sit on.

It's really amazing to go over there and see it. Jason is starting to panic that we can't pay for it. He's always been a worrier when it comes to money. I, however, am just completely filled with gratitude. I know it sounds silly, but I feel like our house has feelings. It's like I always feel with our christmas tree every year. I feel honored that it has "chose" us to be it's family. To know that we will live out the rest of our days inside that house. And to have a basement has always been very important to me. Not just for the obvious reasons of storage and space, etc.. but to me, it's like we have literally put down roots in the earth. Like now, we're not going anywhere. Sure I know that people sell their houses and move everyday, but unless something horrible happened,... to me, that is not an option. I will do whatever it takes to never lose this home of ours.

On Friday, Abby started pre-school at Clora's. She absolutely loved it. She's actually pretty pissed that she only gets to go one day a week, and not everyday like Jules and Samuel. Even though it was rather warm outside, she insisted on wearing her new Dora outfit. I must say, seeing her in her new clothes, wearing her backpack and carrying her lunch can - she looked so grown up. I almost cried.

Next year she will start kindergarten. Unbelievable! I didn't know what to do with myself here alone all day. The house was so quiet. I tried my darndest not to be crazy with worry. Clora herself is a diabetic, so she is quite familiar with the insulin pen and glucose meter. Everything went fine except Abby was very cranky when she got home. I think she was overtired. Not used to the whole school thing.

I was browsing through one of my diabetes websites and found this. I think it is a cool idea. I might try to see if we could make two squares (one for each girl) and send them in. I also just joined a chat room that is for parents of kids with diabetes. When I discovered that Samuel was having night terrors, I joined a discussion group and it helped. So I'm hoping that this one might help us too. There are local support groups in our area that we could attend, but for now at least, I'd rather just be deal with it online and not in person. Who knows? Maybe some day we will attend a meeting. It's like when we found out we were having twins. Before, you never really knew many people, but then they're coming out of the woodwork. All the time we are hearing of someone else who has a kid diagnosed. So far I have only heard of one other family here that has two.

Well, that's enough for now. The natives are getting restless. It is "game day", you know.

Just To Hold You Over

No time to talk right now.....but here's a pic of where we stand right now.

Pretty cool, huh?

Love? Peace? Rock on!?

You know that hand gesture that all those rock stars do? They stand on the stage, raise both arms high, and then they do that thing with their hands. The one where you hold down your two middle fingers with your thumb, leaving your index and pinky finger sticking up. Well,.....not to admit to my un-coolness, but..... what exactly does that mean? Anyone?

I always just assumed it meant "rock on" or "peace/love". Is this right?

My kids came home from school last week and said that "this"(hand gesture) was sign language for "I love you". They kept doing it to me through out the rest of the day and insisted that I do it back.

So fast forward to the next day.

I dropped them off in the school parking lot. I'm standing there watching them walk in.(I like to make sure that they actually make it into the school before I leave). We wave to each other. And then they both turn around at the same time, raise one arm up high, and do the "rock-on" with their hand. So I, of course, raised mine and did it back.

I'm not sure what the other parents would think seeing these sweet little kids and their mom signing to each other like this. But I thought it was quite funny and cute. They look so sweet "rockin - on".

Let's just hope that it doesn't mean something obscene like "fuck you" or something. Now that would be funny wouldn't it? LOL. Mom always did call me "Sharon". Then I would have my own Kelly and Jack too.

Finally

Tomorrow they are coming to dig our basement. I'm going to try to take pics through-out the whole process. I can't believe this is really finally happening. We're getting our house!

Seems odd to be given such good news on this date.

The moment I wake up, Before I put on my makeup....

I have a coffee!

(I also say a little prayer for you, in case you were wondering)

I am officially a coffee drinker. How the heck did this happen? Well I think it might have something to do with the fact that it is an addictive stimulant. No?

I really think it was all that time spent in the Moncton hospital. They have a Tim Horton's stand right in the lobby. And well.... when you're there for a week, stressed and never getting any sleep... you do turn to caffeine for help.

I'm still not a regular coffee drinker, though. I'm more of a specialty coffee drinker. A coffee snob, if you will? Think Niles Crane without the money. I turn my nose up to plain old coffee, have no urge what so ever for a double-double. At Tim's I will usually get a cafe-mocha or an iced cappuccino, depending on the weather. I will however, drink a cappuccino from those crappy machines at the Irving, which Niles could never do. I've actually started craving those too. Weird. I've had to fight the urge to stop and get one every morning after dropping the kids off at school. Sadly, some mornings I lost that battle.

So Thursday night, while buying groceries, I bought my own coffee. Yes, it's just the instant kind. No money for fancy machines. But now every morning, there I am boiling water to make a french vanilla cafe. And it tastes good!

So ....... now that I know I have an addictive personality. I guess smoking can't be too far behind? Crack? Coke? My options are limitless. :)

It Worked!

Remember how I said I was going to give optimism another go?

Well, it worked!

I got hardly no sleep the night before school started. No surprise there. That morning was crazy here, and I do mean crazy. It's a miracle we weren't late for school. Where we are living right now, the school bus comes at 7:20am. And I'm sorry, that's just too early for us, especially now with the whole insulin factor coming into play. So until we move back over home, I have to drive the kids to school everyday. This just adds to the craziness, because now I have to get myself and Abby ready to leave the house too. Thank God Jason was off that day! I'd hate to think what it would have been like here then!

So the whole family arrived for the first day of grade one, which was good because then we could help carry all their supplies for the year. We had to hang out to teach Twila and the aide how to use the glucose monitor. That went very well. Then we had to come back at dinner to teach Twila how to count the carbs and give the insulin. It is so great that she is willing to learn all of this. I'm not sure any other teacher would.

All in all, the first day of school went over well. Our only problem was that Jules didn't get to go outside and play at noon hour. After Jules finishes eating, she has to walk down to her classroom, meet up with Twila, walk down with her to the office where her insulin is kept, wait for her carbs to be counted, get her insulin, walk back up to her classroom and put away her lunch can. By the time she did all of this, and put on her outside shoes, it was time for the children to come inside. Jules was not happy at all. Twila told me she was nearly in tears. And later that night Jules still seemed upset whenever she talked about it. I was upset too. I was trying so hard to make it so that Jules was just like every other kid.

Later that night Mom called and felt bad about Jules. She offered to ask her boss if she could give Jules her pen everyday up in the cafeteria. I was blown away! This would solve all of our problems. The next morning Mom called and told me she got the ok from Bernadette. Great news! So Jason, Abby and I went up to the school at dinner time again yesterday to tell Twila and Jules the good news and to give Mom the insulin pen, needles and sharps container. Now everyday when Jules is finished eating, she will just walk into the kitchen and tell her grandmother that she is all done. Then Mom will count up her carbs, give her the insulin and away she'll go downstairs and outside, just like everyone else. Awesome! The weight that has been lifted is unreal! Now I can breathe.

I mean I was actually happy yesterday.

After dinner we drove down to our place to decide where we want the basement. I felt excited about the house for the first time since all of this began. It was nice to feel pure, normal, "BD" joy again. We had to fax a lot of things to Tallon today in order for him to get the necessary permits. He had hoped to have the basement all done by the end of this week, but he was having some delays in getting the permits, so now he doesn't think it will happen until the first of next. Our house is all done and ready to come! I'm still holding out hope that the phone will ring and it will be Tallon telling me they are coming to do the basement today. That way it could set all weekend and they could bring the house next week. I'm getting quite anxious to move home. I really want to be in by October 1st. The longer it takes for the basement, the less and less it looks like that will be possible. But hey, at least it's finally happening!

The girls have their first appointment with Dr. Dickison today at 3:30pm. Jason went back to work today but might see if he can leave early and meet us there. He really wants to see the doctor to ask him some questions. We want to know when we can stop checking them at midnight and three AM. It's hard to get any sleep that way. Last night I set my alarm wrong and only got to check them once at four AM, but they were ok. Jason doesn't see any reason why we couldn't do that every night. They haven't been going low in the night for awhile now. I think I will always be nervous about that, and can't ever see a time when I could go all night without checking them at all, even when the doctor says it's ok.

In other news, it looks like I may be going back to work full time next year. One of the ladies in the cafeteria has been having some health problems, and thus thinks it will be best if she retires after this year. It works out well because Abby starts kindergarten next year, and now with a big mortgage on the way, we could really use the money. It's also kinda crappy in a way, because I will never have that time home alone with all of my kids at school. But it's really hard to complain about that when I got to stay home with them the whole time before they started school, and so many parents out there never get to have that special time. I'm also very thankful that I will get to work at the school. I was grateful before because of the schedule, summers off, etc... But now with both Jules and Abby being diabetic, I'm even more thankful to be going to work at the school cafeteria. It's really the best place for me to be.

So this morning I must say I'm feeling pretty good. A lot like my old self again. I feel like things might finally be on the up-swing for us. I mean I'm not completely without worry ..... but that's never been me anyway. :)

Here's To Giving It Another Go

The last few days have been rough. Really hard not to become cynical. I've been dwelling over the fact that I now have not one, but two daughters with diabetes. A friend lost her baby, another one found out her grandfather has cancer, and to top it all off Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, died. It seems you can't do anything, go anywhere without hearing something tragic, some mis-justice in the world. Everyone I know is in a bad mood. .....Worrying about their kids starting school, worrying about their kids starting pre-school, worrying about their kids starting day care, hating their job, not wanting to return to their job, crazy over getting a new job, etc... I wonder if there isn't something going on in the universe. Seriously. Like in those old books or movies where this crazy fog rolls in and changes everyone. It has been foggy lately. Is the moon abnormally full? Is there some sort of comet passing over us?

I have a theory. It's just September. September seems to signify change. I've never really been fond of change much, myself. Although I always thought I was, but discovered long ago that I was just fooling myself. I'm a fan of spontaneity, not change. And there is a difference. When you're spontaneous, you are choosing to do something out of the ordinary. It's different than what you might normally do at that time, and thus yes shakes things up a bit. But true change occurs when you don't have a choice. It happens whether you like it or not and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it. Yeah, spontaneous good...... change, not so much.

I'm one of those people who enjoy comfort, as in comforting. Like curling up on the couch to watch a movie you've seen a million times, tucking yourself in at night with a good book, or listening to that special song that always brings you peace. And lately there seems to be no comfort to be found. Nothing works. No peace. No joy. And I hate it. I don't want to become one of those people. Those people who are constantly saying what a horrible place the world is to live in, .......how there's always something. You know - those people.

So I've decided to muster up all of my strength and give it another go. To try my damnedest to see the good. And maybe I'll catch myself even feeling it.

Night

I can't sleep.

For some reason I can't stop crying.

I sit here in this house....their house. I sit in her chair and rock. I wrap myself up in their blanket. I put clothes away in the room where I last saw him, there lying in that very bed. I want to feel them in this house but strangely I can't. I wish I did. They're not here. Only pictures of how life used to be - the good old days, when everything seemed to make sense. I talk to them and beg them to appear and tell me everything is going to be ok.... but they don't.

I'm alone.

I can feel myself slipping and I don't want to. I can't. I don't have time. School is starting and our basement should be starting and it's labor day weekend. Please God help me not to slip.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed

The innocent can never last

Wake me up when September ends - Greenday

Well it's finally here...... September.

Summer sure did change a lot of things around here. Mostly for the worse; slightly for the better.

I met with the school yesterday in regards to Jules having diabetes. It seemed to go well. God bless Twila! She volunteered to give Jules her insulin everyday. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to travel to the school everyday. As it stands right now, we only have to go up for the first few days, just until the teachers and aides get used to it all. It's quite nerve racking, thinking of her being at school without us. At least Mom will be there. They can always go to her and ask her any questions they might have. Plus I will be there on Fridays.

I am taking the first two fridays off. The first one because Clora's doesn't start until the next week and I don't have anyone to watch Abby. And the second one because it is Abby's first day of preschool and I want to take her there myself and probably go up at dinner just in case Clora has any questions too.

I have the kids school supplies all ready. Everything is labeled and packed in their backpacks. Their clothes are all hanging up in the closet here just waiting to be worn. This year we had to buy Abby a few clothes too. She is so fussy, it's unreal. I used to think Jules was bad! It's hard to believe that just next year she will be starting kindergarten. Then we will have to buy school supplies and back to school clothes for three kids!

I remember how scared and freaked out I was this time last year. I was so worried about Jules and Samuel starting school. Now I wish I could go back. There was nothing to freak out over at all. They did fine. I did fine. Everything was fine. But this year? This year I'm freaking out again for a very different reason. And what's worse is that the reason will never go away. Every year it will be there. Forever. Every year I will have to meet with the school and their new teachers. In many ways, life will be better when I am working at the school full time. At least then I know if the unthinkable happens I am already there.

I used to love Fall. The way it looked, smelled and felt. Now I can't see a time when I will ever love it again. Now all I do is long for Spring. I guess I have a big wait ahead of me.