Ready for the Walk?

I've been active online much more than usual this week. Blogging, twittering, facebooking, etc... Don't get too used to it, though. As anyone who follows me knows I go through phases. Periods of time where I will blog everyday, or like today - twice a day, followed by weeks of nothing. lol.

I just received an email from the JDRF fundraising coordinator in Moncton. She sent out an email to all team captains to go over some last minute information and instructions. I read the instructions regarding submitting pledges, etc.. and then began reading the schedule of Sunday's events.

12pm – 1:45 pm - Registration (all pledges should be remitted by 1:45 pm)
12pm – 1:45 pm – Live Entertainment by musical band “Cat Sass”, BBQ, refreshments and activities for kids of all ages
1:30 pm – group picture of all children with Juvenile Diabetes (this picture will be used for a Thank You poster after the walk

I started to cry. Just the image of a group of young children gathered together, all smiles, all suffering with Diabetes would have been enough to make me cry back in the day. But now my two beautiful daughters faces will be there too. Too much.

She ended the email with the usual "if you have any questions, please contact me" etc... But then in large letters she wrote:

On Sunday, June 3rd, we WILL WALK TO CURE DIABETES!

And again the waterworks! I'm starting to become anxious about the walk now. If I can't read an email without bawling, how am I going to hold it together on Sunday? I've always known it was going to be an emotional, moving experience. I've just been avoiding thinking about it, I guess. Instead I've focused on the yard sale, Abby's birthday, etc.. But now the walk is upon us and there's no avoiding it any longer. It's one thing to get misty eyed and quite another to convulse uncontrollably. I don't want the kids to have to witness that. lol. Sunglasses are most definitely on the top of my list of things to pack, followed by a box of kleenex.

Not sure if I will be posting again before we leave. Today I'll be busy cutting cake, playing Mario, etc.... and tomorrow I work. Then comes the craze of making sure everything I want to take is clean and laundered, packing, double checking my list(OMG! Must make a list!) and helping the kids pack their bags. So, yeah I might not be back. But I'll be sure to take lots of pics which I will post and/or flickr. That is if I can stop crying long enough. ;)

Happy Birthday Abby!

Today is Abby's fifth birthday, so of course pancakes were in order this morning. I don't quite remember when or how this tradition began, but on every one's birthday we always have pancakes for breakfast. I baked her a cake last night after she went to bed and put up a few decorations. That way when she woke up this morning, she would feel it was her special day. Right now she is wearing a red sparkly dress and black dress shoes. We're not going anyway today, she just felt the need to dress for the occasion.

Our kids have recently been introduced to Mario, as in Luigi's brother. One of the items we snagged at our recent yard sale was an old Nintendo 64 game system complete with four controllers and a handful of games. One of which is Mario Party 3. Jason and I used to play games like these for hours on end. Entire weekends even. You could say we're both a little geeky. Anyway, as a special treat since there is no party today, the whole family is going to play Mario Party 3 together. The kids love playing it. It is not the regular Mario adventure game but more like a board game where you roll the dice and compete in little mini-games together. Good times!

The Big Number 5

Tomorrow is Abby's 5th birthday. Hard to believe. I hate to type such an over-used line but.., time really does fly by. It's not that it seems like only yesterday that she was a baby, it's more that it seems like only yesterday she was 3. And now today is her last day of being 4. This just reminded me of a childhood memory. I am about to turn 10. We're down in the basement playing or doing something or other when Sherry turns to me and in an "impending doom" kind of voice says "Today is your last day of being 9. Tomorrow - double digits! You'll never be a single digit again!". It worked. Looking back it is so ridiculous to get depressed about turning 10! But yet I did. Kinda gives you a sad look into my psyche, doesn't it? It's like even at such a young age, I knew how fleeting life was. Or how being a kid is such an important time. Therapy anyone? lol. It's not Sherry's fault. When it comes to guilt or anything sentimental, I'm a very easy target. Who else could mourn being a single digit? lol.

......But I digress.

We've decided not to have a stereotypical birthday party for Abby on Thursday. She's not much for large groups of kids anyway. On Jules and Samuel's birthday, she hid the entire time in my bedroom. "Too many kids" she'd say. Instead we're going to celebrate her big number 5 in Moncton. We're going there this weekend for the JDRF walk. That way we can go swimming in the pool, get her an ice cream cake from DQ, and do who knows what else. Tomorrow I'm still going to make pancakes for breakfast(tradition on birthdays), bake her a cake and give her one present. But I've asked everyone else to save their presents to give to her on Saturday.

When Jules and Samuel turned 5, their last birthday before starting school, I had a big party at the bowling alley. I always swore that I would do something just as big for Abby's fifth. Unfortunately, the money just isn't there this time. Times have changed. It may sound bad, but by going to Moncton for her birthday(something we were going to do anyway) whatever we end up doing, I can tell her it is to celebrate her. Which let's face it, is not that far off. Sure it's not really just to celebrate her birthday, but the fact of the matter is, the reason we are going to Moncton is for her and her sister Jules. To raise funds and awareness for diabetic research and to expose them to more people their age who suffer from this disease. So, on Saturday, if she happens to go in the pool with her cousins - Happy Birthday! If we happen to go to the movies or to a mall - Happy Birthday! If we happen to eat out at a restaurant - Happy Birthday! What's the harm if it helps to make her feel that her birthday is special?

Because it is.

Happy Birthday Baby! Hope you have a great day!

My Moose....Part Two

Last Tuesday, May 22nd, Abby and I had to run into town to pay some bills. It was a clear sunny day. On the way home, I was driving down the highway when something caught my eye. It was a moose. It was not on the highway, but rather down in the ditch. I slowed the car down and then finally came to a complete stop. Surprisingly there were no other cars on the highway at this time. I grabbed my cellphone to take a pic and rolled my window down. It stared right at me and took a couple of steps toward me. What a beautiful creature. I don't quite know what it is about them. Their size, maybe? Do they remind me of horses? I'm not sure why I love them so much but I just do. So there we are, just me, Abby asleep in the back of the van, and the moose...alone on the highway together. It felt very spiritual. I started talking to it when I noticed that some cars were coming. So I told it to be careful and not to get hit by a car....accelerated and drove away.


Cut to this morning. I was looking in my archives to see if I had blogged anything this time last year. I clicked on May, 2006. I only blogged twice that month. May 21st's title was Our Song, where I talk about mine and Jason's song. The title for May 25th? My Moose.

"...when suddenly a moose walks into my line of vision! It's just standing there on my front lawn. I stare at it for what seems like minutes, in shock of it's presence and in awe of it's majestic beauty........I don't know what it was. Maybe the mood I was in, or just being that close to a wild creature? But I felt like the moose came for me. Crazy I know. But it was like in a movie. Something magical about it. A connection."

Weird eh? I mean I know, living where we live, the chances of seeing a moose this time of year is rather high. But the odds that I would personally have a close encounter alone with a moose on almost the exact same day? Not so high, I think.

I'm starting to think that maybe the moose is my animal totem...or one of them.

An Animal Totem is an important symbolic object used by a person to get in touch with specific qualities found within an animal which the person needs, connects with, or feels a deep affinity toward. You can have several animal guides through out your life. Sometimes an animal guide will come into your life for a short period of time, and then be replaced by another depending on the journey or direction you are headed toward. Your guide will instruct and protect you as you learn how to navigate through your spiritual and physical life.

I've always thought that the spider was my totem. They were everywhere...and I mean everywhere. Everyday. Hanging from the ceiling, crawling on my shoulder, I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without spiders following me. Which was quite upsetting at times, considering I'm arachnophobic. A psychic once said that this was because I was a witch, lol, that's another story.

To the Native Americans, Spider is Grandmother, the link to the past and future. In India it's associated with Maya, the weaver of illusions. With its gentle strength, Spider spins together the threads of life with intricate webs. Spider knows that the past affects the future and vise verse. It calls us to make use of our creativity and weave our dreams into our destiny. For many Native Americans, "spider woman" stories are important creation mythologies. One of the common feature of those are wisdom symbolized with spiders' webs (for example, she taught the human how to weave). Also generally accepted are the ideas that her "thread" connects the human world and the world of spirits or the "above world" and the "below world". Spider Woman also weaves the "relationship" of the Web of Life and all beings.

But lately the spiders seem to have subsided. Maybe I need a moose totem in the spring?

Though moose appear awkward, they possess a gracefulness with which they move easily through deep snow and unstable terrain. Their excellent depth perception, and sense of hearing enable them to know when to camouflage themselves. This is an incredible feat since the adult male can stand 7 feet tall and weigh 1,200 pounds. These animals can be unpredictable by either running away when they see you, ignoring you, or mauling you. Moose calves are born with their eyes open, and those with this totem are usually born with their inner eyes open. Moose uncovers the depth of who you are and aligns you with your inherent wisdom. Moose teaches us to value ourselves and reward ourselves for a job well done.

Hmmmm. Something to think about I guess. For those of you who don't believe, please disregard. For those who do, you can check out http://www.animaltotem.com/find-your-totem.html.

No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends

The above line is from one of my favorite movies, It's A Wonderful Life. Right now I am feeling a lot like George Bailey.....again. Late last Summer, in the midst of our chaos, the community blew me away with their support. And now they have done it again.

The Anglican Church Hall in Blackville is now filled to the brim with donations, not only from family members and friends, but from complete strangers as well. It is unbelievable! Our story was published in two local papers that came out this morning. Upon reading them, an older lady from our community, whom I've never met, called to offer us her winter coat. Another gentlemen called from Newcastle to offer donations. Several older ladies surprised me with baked goods to sell in the sell. One even said she made me something special that was just for us to eat at lunch tomorrow...not to sell. She had dropped off a few items for the sale and gave me a huge hug before leaving and promising to return tomorrow. I can't stop to think about it or I will start to cry.

I had a moment as I was locking up the hall to come home tonight. I was proud of myself. No, proud doesn't seem like the right word to use. It's hard to describe. It's like seeing my children's picture in the paper along with the story describing everything we went through. It's like I can feel several emotions at the same time. I'm sad, yet happy, yet nauseous, yet proud, yet inspired, yet.... Like I said, very hard to describe. lol I intend to take the camera tomorrow so I can post pics of just how much stuff is actually there. Some people snuck their way in tonight, while we were still setting up. Mostly family members. lol. But now I've already raised over $70 and the sale hasn't even started yet! Amazing!

Now I have to try and wind down enough to get some sleep. The whole family has to get up early tomorrow. Busy, busy, busy.....but oddly, it feels good.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms out there. I was awaken at 6am this morning by three smiling children. One was carrying a tray that held a bowl of frosted flakes, a slice of toast with peanut butter, a juice box and a Mother's day card. lol. 6am!! I smiled and asked them what time it was. Then I explained how it was very sweet to do what they did, but Mom was also very tired and really wanted to get some more sleep and that they should probably go back to bed too.

Cut to 7:30am. I was awaken by three smiling children. One was carrying a tray that held a bowl of fruit loops, a slice of toast and peanut butter, an apple, a juice box and a Mother's day card. lol. I was very touched that were doing this but still a little disappointed that they had woke me up again. I remember doing it to my Mother when I was a child. How excited I was to be doing something for her. So I laid there for a little bit longer but thought I should get up before they decided to try cooking bacon on the stove. lol.

Hope everyone has a good day today, and that their children were as thoughtful as mine!

......only thing is now we are out of cereal. :(

You Are My Sunshine....

Yesterday the weather was beautiful. It's about time! Abby and I sat out on the porch to watch the kids get on the bus and even that early in the morning, there was no chill in the air. Love it!

We put the tent trailer up, which is always exciting. But this year it was a bit more emotional. The last time it had been up was when Abby got diagnosed. We had been camping in Daigle and had to pack up quickly to get to the hospital. I'm usually really good with having it all clean and ready to set for the winter, but under the circumstances, I never got around to it. So when we walked into it, I was sad to see the condition it was in. Needless to say I have my work cut out for me. I think once I have it all clean, then I will be ok. It's so silly, but just knowing where that dirt came from bothers me. I'm suddenly taken back to that day. It is August 12th. Jason is gone to find a local drugstore to buy urine strips. We know we have to dip Abby's urine to see if there is any sugar in it. It is a gorgeous sunny morning. I sit on the picnic table and take pictures of the kids playing in the playground. I know. I don't want it to be true, but inside I know it is. I stare at Abby as she smiles at me and laughs. She has no idea.

Yes. I need to clean the trailer out. To wash away the past and start fresh. It will be a good summer this year. Full of camping trips and swimming pools and sunny days. Maybe we'll even make it to Fundy. I had all intention of cleaning it out today, since it is supposed to be nice again. But I just got called to go into work. So now it will be my project for the weekend, I guess.

The Year

Update time.....

In regards to our upcoming sale, the ACW told me I could go up on Saturday, shortly before they closed and help myself to anything that was left over from their Rummage Sale. So Sherry and I filled my van with clothes - to the top! A lot of which is in excellent shape. Some still had tags left on them. Anything that had a stain on it or did not seem to be in good shape, we left behind. We had to rush around because I had to get back home in time to get interviewed.

Harold Adams had contacted me and was interested in doing a little story for the Route 8 news - the newsletter that comes with the sales flyers. I got home just in time to freshen up a bit and then he was here. The story is not that personal, strictly about the sale and the walk. Afterwards the whole family went outside and he took a few photos. He wished us luck and said he hoped the article would help our cause. I hope so too.

During the interview and then later, after he left, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions. In fact, I've really been all over the place emotionally for the last couple of weeks. I think it is the whole walk thing. And the fact that the first anniversary is fast approaching. I was sad that this event was necessary, but as we sat there on the porch smiling for his camera, I felt genuinely happy. And proud. This little idea I had, had actually grown into something that was being supported by so many people. In that moment, I felt like I was making a difference.

This past year, so much in my life has changed. We moved into our new home which pretty much has all new furnishings, we bought a newer van, my son got pre-diagnosed with asthma, my in-laws house burnt down and my husband lost his job of 11 years. The biggest change, of course, is my daughters' diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes, just three weeks apart.

With every loss experienced in life, I think getting through "the year" is crucial. The first Christmas, first birthday, first day of school, etc... As each special day passes, you prove to yourself that life does go on. That "You can do this". And while part of you does want to fast forward the year, to get all this "newness" over with. There is that other part of you, the one you try to bury or ignore, that secretly wants to hit pause or better still - rewind. And that is the part of myself that I've been battling these past few weeks.

On my front lawn, there are two maple trees, one larger than the other. This section of my yard (of my life) is one of the few things that has remained the same. Lately, I've found myself staring out the window at my large maple tree. This is the one that provides the most shade in the summertime. Memories flash through my mind of life BD - before diabetes. *flash* Jules and Samuel are 3 yrs old, Abby barely one. I've spread a quilt on the ground, in the shade and we're having a picnic.....of pizza. *flash* Jason and I are sitting in our newly purchased folding chairs. We're looking at brochures and planning our first family vacation to PEI *flash* I'm sitting in the shade watching the kids play. Mom walks over and surprises the kids with "red eye" cookies. She joins me and we sit together and watch the kids lick the jam out of the center first. When I see these images, I cry and long to go back. I'd give up the new house and the new van, anything to be that family again. The family that doesn't have diabetes in their lives. Right now I can still say "This time last year....". This time last year, they didn't have it. How can it be real when this time last year things were so different. It reminds me of that book which has recently been turned into a play - "The Year of Magical Thinking", where she cannot accept her husbands death. Somewhere deep inside of me, I must think that I can stop this from being true. As long as the past is not that far behind, we can still go back.

Obviously I know this isn't true. No intervention needed, I promise. On most days I can even see the good that has come out of this. I just need to go through the year.

The plane boss! The plane!

A few nights ago I had a dream that I witnessed a plane crash, right from my own house.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

So yesterday afternoon, my girls were outside playing, my son was watching TMNT, and I was cooking supper and talking on the phone to Jason, who was on his way to work. All of a sudden I started hearing this noise, soft at first, then louder and louder. I looked to the television thinking, "What-the-hell are those Ninja Turtles doing?". Just then the noise got so loud I thought we were about to have an earthquake. I literally braced myself for the shaking. And that's when I saw it.

A plane.

I ran to the front window.

"Please don't crash, please don't crash.", I chanted, as I watched it disappear beneath the trees. I waited for it. The crashing noise, the explosion......

I raced out onto the porch.

And then another plane appeared.

And another.

My husband asked me yet again what was going on. He had asked several times but I hadn't answered him.

"I don't know", was my reply. I had no idea.

All I knew was that there were three planes circling our house. They were flying extremely low. And I mean extremely low. None had gone so low as that first one, though. I literally thought for a moment that maybe it had indeed crashed and these other planes were circling the crash site. Their huge shadows passed across our yard.

My daughters came running toward me. They were scared the planes were going to crash into our house. My son came outside. When he saw the planes, he pointed up and shouted, "It's Heroes of the Pacific!" - the name of a PS2 game about Pearl Harbor. lol.

Across the street my Mom, sister and her kids were also outside watching what now seemed like our very own air show. I grabbed the video camera and started taping so Jason could watch later. Just then a provincial forestry truck drove up the road with it's light flashing.

Forest fire.

I raced back into the house and put on some shoes. I shut off the burners on the stove, supper was just going to have to wait. I let Jason go, as he arrived at work. I know he hated missing all the action. When I went back outside I noticed that Abby didn't look so good, so I brought her back in the house to check her. Sure enough, she was low. I gave her a juice box and we ran over to my Mom's house.

My Mom and sister had also seen that first plane. And like me, they thought for sure it was going to crash into the river or into the camp in the Rapids. It was seriously that low. Our kids were no longer scared, and were waving at the planes who were still flying overhead.

Apparently there had been a forest fire of some kind down the road. I don't know how big it was because we never saw any smoke. But it was obviously out now, as the fire trucks went back up the road and the planes flew away.

And our suburban excitement was over.

Maybe tonight I'll dream that I won a million dollars :)

3 Years!

I just realized that I've been blogging for three years now. Man how time goes by fast. It's crazy how so much of ones life is out there in cyberspace for the world to see. To think I used to consider myself shy! lol.

I took the kids to the doctor yesterday. Our doctor is such a sweetheart. He knew our medical benefits had run out so he gave us medicine samples from his closet. I didn't need A single prescription! We are so blessed to have him as our family doctor. He truly seems to care about his patients. The kids stayed home from school again today, which makes them have an extra, extra long weekend. They should be fine by Monday.....I hope.

In a walk update, I received a package from our support group in Moncton. Apparently there is going to be activities for the kids, a BBQ and live entertainment. June 3rd is fast approaching! The hall is officially booked for our yard sale. The date is set - May 19th. I've pretty much gone through everything of mine - clothes, toys, videos, CD's, etc.... Perfect opportunity to get rid of those Shania Twain CD's left over from when Jason was going through his country phase. Thank God that's over! lol. Now I just wait for the arrival of other people's things. I'm not going to bother pricing right now. I think I will wait til I am setting it up at the hall. Thinking that might be easier. Then I can separate into categories......shoes $1, etc..

I received an email yesterday, from a man wishing to interview me regarding the sale. I guess the word is really spreading. I sent a reply but so far no phone call. I still have to contact the paper and the radio station and make posters. I'm trying not to feel panicked and overwhelmed, but am failing miserably.

The church hall is having their rummage sale tomorrow. Always enjoyable. Last year I did amazing and scored tons of Christmas lights and boughs that really came in handy decorating the porch. Now I'm on the hunt for Summer decorations. And Lord knows I am not above buying used clothing for myself. Definitely need to find time to check it out.

And now I'm off to play more catch-up. Laundry, laundry, laundry.....it never goes away.

John Mayer

I cannot say how much I love John Mayer. Love him, love him! Sorry Jason. ;) I've gotten a bit behind reading his blogs, so this morning I played catch up. On April 26th, he wrote a post entitled "(Not) Waiting on the World to Change".

A year ago this month I wrote a song called "Waiting on the World to Change", in which I tried to express the feelings of helplessness that come with knowing what needs to change in the world but also knowing the futility of trying.

Since that song has been released, there has been one social issue I've kept particularly focused on, silently keeping notes in my mind about what needs to be fixed (and more constructively, how to go about fixing it) while hoping that someone else sharing my exact views would carry out the work without my ever getting involved.

Hey, I'm just being honest.

How many times have you thought that? I know I have. Pretty much all of my life, actually. You see the problems in the world that you know need fixing but yet you don't want to have to actually do anything about it. That's someone else's job, right? Well,....not really.

It is possible for us change the world. And no, it doesn't involve running for office or having our own talk show on television. Each of us make choices everyday. Little decisions, that over time, impact the quality of our life and the lives of those around us. We choose to recycle or not to recycle. To smile at the check-out girl who's having a slow day, or sigh and roll your eyes her way. To complain constantly to anyone who will listen about the state of your school system, or join a parent's group where your thoughts and ideas can actually be heard.

At the risk of sounding preachy (too late!), most of us do not realize the impact we have on others or the world in general. We know there are problems, but we don't want to admit that any of it is our fault or that we have any power to help solve it. On the topic of global warming(yes I do believe it exists!), John Mayer suggests going "light green".

No thinking about "offsetting your carbon footprint". No rallies. No brow-beating people who think the Earth just has a fever. Pick one thing to change this year, and keep the rest of your life the same.

It's like changing the world one baby step at a time(sounds corny, I know). Instead of being overwhelmed while looking at the problem as a whole, pick one thing and say "I'm going to do this". "This is my contribution to the world this year". Before you know it, you'll have yourself a habit. Maybe it's that you will never again throw in the garbage, a bottle that can be recycled. Or you buy reusable grocery bags and use them every time when you go buy groceries. Whatever it is, it's only ONE thing. How hard can that be?

And that's my thought for the day.

If I Lay Here

The brain is an amazing thing. Sometimes it can be too amazing. You want to hit the off button, but you can't. You don't have control of it like you think you should.

Does anyone?

It can forget the things we want to remember, and hang on the things we try desperately to forget.

It has the power to remind you of your past, which can be a good thing. It also has the power to think of your future. Which can be not so good.

********Let's waste time chasing cars around our heads***********